Hinkley Point nuclear plant to go-ahead because 'it's only near Bristol'

BUILDING a nuclear power station at Hinkley Point is fine because if anything should go wrong it only affects Bristol, it has been confirmed. 

The power station, a new design built by the Chinese to see if it works properly before they build any at home, has a 15 per cent risk of catastrophic meltdown but only a 0.0015 per cent risk of harming anyone who would be greatly missed. 

A government spokesman said: “Nuclear materials can make areas uninhabitable for decades – even centuries – to come, which is why we have sited this potential disaster next to a major city of middle-aged men in Supreme baseball caps and kindly-yet-hopeless trustafarian couples pursuing doomed puppet-related art projects. 

“Even in the event of a full meltdown, we’d only lose Minehead Butlins. If we time it for a Back To The 80s weekender we’d get rid of Tight Fit into the bargain.” 

Bristolian Julian Cook said: “But imagine the wind-powered immersive circus skills festival I curate deserted and overgrown, like those towns near Chernobyl.  

“You have already, haven’t you? That’s why you’re doing this.”


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Gareth Bale finally able to afford haircut

GARETH Bale’s new contract will finally allow him to do something about his hair.

The Real Madrid star is set to sign a new deal worth €350,000 a week, which experts believe will be enough to pay someone to untie, shorten, or perhaps even remove his man-bun.

Wales ace Bale said: “It’s not been easy living off a mere €300,000 a week. After rent, food and petrol, there’s only about €298,000 left over. How can I justify spending that on a barber?

“Thanks to the lucrative new contract, I’ll no longer be mistaken for the world’s least convincing samurai.”

Enrique Sanchez, who runs the barbershop next to Bale’s apartment, said: “I’ve been helping Gareth with life in Madrid, like stressing the importance of good grooming, and explaining to him that one pound is worth twenty thousand euros.”