Ask Holly: How should I document my illustrious career?

Dear Holly,

I’ve heard that young oik, Zayn Malik, is releasing his autobiography as a series of images rather than prose, presumably because he is unable to write much more than his own name. Whilst this whole concept reeks of vulgarity, I can’t help but wonder if I should adopt this approach to some sections of my forthcoming memoirs, where the scene in question lends itself to graphic representation, for example the chapter I am currently referring to as ‘A Taste of Pork’. What do you think?


Chipping Norton

Dear David,

My friend Erica Mackenzie’s mummy and daddy are getting a divorce and Erica has been a bit upset. Our school guidance counsellor, Angela, told Erica she should use art to express her feelings. So far she has drawn lots of pictures of her father being physically attacked by a demented clown and a massive scary owl with rainbow eyes. Everyone is very disturbed but we all agree Erica’s use of perspective is enchanting.

Hope that helps,


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‘Making memories’ not always a good thing, Facebook idiots learn

IDIOTS on Facebook are beginning to realise that memories are not only made by happy occasions but painful and humiliating ones.

The statement ‘Well, we made some memories,’ usually employed after holidays or family get-togethers, has been proven to be just as accurate following bouts of herpes or arrests for shoplifting.

Keen Facebook user Mary Fisher said: “I sat down with a cuppa to page through some of the wonderful memories I’ve made this summer, like Dad’s 60th or that lovely day on Camber Sands.

“But instead I found myself remembering the kids having nits, being stuck in traffic for five hours on the A22 and that time our Shaun called me a stupid bitch in front of everyone when I sat on his iPad.

“It’s almost as if my memory indiscriminately records every aspect of my life, instead of being voice-activated by the phrase ‘making memories’.

“Yesterday, I stubbed my toe and dropped a box of wineglasses down the stairs, scattering shattered glass everywhere.

“As I cleaned it up I said ‘Well, making some memories.’ Except between ‘some’ and ‘memories’ I added ‘fucking’.”