Hippies Annoying

HIPPIES were today banging on about petrol again even though we already get it and would just like to go skiing.

A gang of them have occupied the runway at Stansted to raise awareness about how airports are increasingly being used for air travel.

Tom Logan, the largest hippy, said: "What happens, right, is that these planes are being filled with petrol, right, and then the pilot switches it on and all the petrol gets burnt, right, and then all the trees die and we run out of water .

"People need to understand the consequences of setting fire to petrol."

Angry travellers stuck in the airport's departure lounge said they were concerned about global warming and the expansion of low cost air travel but called for each and every one of these fucking hippies to be strung up from a lamppost.

Stephen Malley, on route to Zermatt, said:  "Petrol's bad. I get it. I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it. I – FUCKING – GET – IT. OKAY?"

Wayne Hayes, an intermediate snow-boarder from Cambridge, said: "I am deeply concerned about the sort of world we will bequeath to our children and I promise you, the minute I get back from my holiday I will write a letter to my MP demanding that they do whatever it is you want them to do.

"But please, for the time being, fuck off bastard hippies."

Emma Bradford, a hanger-on from Lincoln, said: "I'm a supporter of WWF and I have a Greenpeace Visa card. If I wasn't going on holiday I'd be down there with them, but I am, so I really think we should just crush them all with a bulldozer."

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School Subjects To Be Dicked About With

BRITAIN’S primary school curriculum is to be radically reformed after ministers realised they hadn’t dicked about with it for at least a year.

From next year the school day will be split into broad themes including noises, shapes, colours, feelings and relentless political indoctrination.

Experts say the system may not improve standards of literacy and numeracy, but has given them something to do for a few weeks.

The six new subject areas are:

Noises: Moo. Baa. Grrr. Vroom. Plop. These are all noises. Make three of them before lunch.

Shapes: What shape is a lesbian? Are circles French? What rights does a triangle have? Will also cover the shapes of numbers, although the sound of numbers will be covered in Noises.

Colours: The children will be encouraged to mix blue with yellow and green with orange as a way of understanding contraception and exotic sexual positions.

Feelings and Flavours: Does seven taste of cheese? How do you feel about two plus two? Does spelling make you sad and angry? Let’s not do it then.

The Labour Party: Will cover the ideology, evolution and structure of Britain’s Natural Party of Government and why the Conservatives want to touch you in the bad place.

Nintendo: Everything else is probably covered by some sort of Nintendo game, so from 10.30am until 3pm each day the children will be given a Wii and left to get on with it while the teachers stand at the back door smoking cigarettes and booking holidays.

The Conservatives last night attacked the proposals and set out their own curriculum, including money, standing up straight, advanced money and poof-spotting.