Hipster dog only likes 80s dog food that you can’t get any more

A DOG hipster will only eat an obscure type of vintage dog food that he enjoys in a semi-ironic way.

Labrador Wayne Hayes refuses to eat normal dog biscuits, preferring a discontinued American 80s brand of dog food called Chunkiez that his owners have to buy off the internet at vast expense.

Hayes said: “I’m all about Chunkiez Beefy Mix because the box they come in has such a cool design aesthetic. It just speaks to my vibe.

“I realise it’s £17 a box because they stopped making it in 1984 and there’s only one warehouse in Canada that has stock, but like everything in my life it’s paid for by my parents.”

Hayes, who also claims to like postmen and fireworks, reckons he is friends with all the working class bull terriers at his local park even though they growl at him whenever he approaches.

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World to enjoy its last day of relative sanity 

PEOPLE around the world are deciding how to spend their last day before Donald Trump becomes US President.

Most have decided not to go to work, unless it is to kick their boss in the crotch, and many will spend Tuesday drinking themselves into a coma.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I think it’s very important to be unconscious when the world finally loses its mind.”

Religious leaders have called for people to make peace with god before the result is announced, but have been unable to explain how god allowed this to happen in the first place.

Services will be held around the clock until the churches are reduced to smoking heaps of irradiated rubble.

Hollis added: “I may pop into my local church, assuming they’re generous with the communion wine and okay with me screaming obscenities.”