Houseplants a complete f**king waste of time

OWNING a houseplant adds absolutely nothing to your life and very little to the houseplant’s, scientists have confirmed. 

Wide-ranging research into the supposed benefits of keeping vegetation around the house has shown that it benefits nobody while wasting time, money, effort and possibly oxygen.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, explained: “Even a cat sits on your lap once in a while. Even a fish swims through the castle.

“But houseplants require water, light, soil, and Baby Bio while providing absolutely bugger all in return.

“While dogs or boyfriends need constant attention they usually reward you with some basic affection, maybe a lick to the face every now and then.

“Plants, in contrast, do nothing but shed leaves, attract tiny insects and, eventually, die of neglect making you feel bad. Who needs it?”

He added: “Technically houseplants can produce about one five-hundredth of the oxygen you need per hour. So that’s useful.”