Houseplants a complete f**king waste of time

OWNING a houseplant adds absolutely nothing to your life and very little to the houseplant’s, scientists have confirmed. 

Wide-ranging research into the supposed benefits of keeping vegetation around the house has shown that it benefits nobody while wasting time, money, effort and possibly oxygen.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, explained: “Even a cat sits on your lap once in a while. Even a fish swims through the castle.

“But houseplants require water, light, soil, and Baby Bio while providing absolutely bugger all in return.

“While dogs or boyfriends need constant attention they usually reward you with some basic affection, maybe a lick to the face every now and then.

“Plants, in contrast, do nothing but shed leaves, attract tiny insects and, eventually, die of neglect making you feel bad. Who needs it?”

He added: “Technically houseplants can produce about one five-hundredth of the oxygen you need per hour. So that’s useful.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

University fresher still believes in Corbyn's Brexit 'long game'

A UNIVERSITY fresher is ready for Jeremy Corbyn to unleash his secret Brexit masterplan, it has emerged.

20-year-old philosophy student Tom Booker said: “Corbz is definitely playing the long game when it comes to pretending to be anti-EU membership.

“For anyone who doubts me, just look at the three-decades-long history of his long game. He has not let up for a second, he’s such a master strategist.

“He’s been at it since 1975 when he pretended to vote to leave the European Economic Community, and 1993 when he made pretend speeches opposing the creation of the EU, and 2008 when he pretend voted against the Lisbon treaty.

“And let’s not forget 2011, when he pretend broke the party whip to back a referendum to leave the EU, or 2016 when he was such a good actor he took an actual holiday in the middle of the referendum campaign and then said we should trigger article 50 the second the result came in.

“I can’t wait to see the looks on all of your faces when he flips it on his head and we stay in – boy, that’ll be sweet.”