How to be in complete denial it's a shit summer: Tips from a Brexiter

11th August 2023

SICK of day after day of shit summer weather? Try to cope by refusing to admit it’s happening. Ardent Brexiter Roy Hobbs shares the tips he’s learnt.

Delude yourself

All these woke types keep telling me this summer’s been rubbish, but anyone smart like me can see it’s just a lie made up to support their bollocks global warming propaganda. It’s been the same as every summer I remember when I was a kid: wall-to-wall sunshine, and no, that’s not me remembering it wrong. I got sunburnt in July. OK, so I was on holiday in Tenerife, but that’s not the point.

Ignore the experts

The media claim we had one of the wettest Julys on record, but that’s just statistics, and you can make statistics say whatever you want. Remember when Michael Gove said we’d had enough of experts? Well, he was right. I’ve had it up to here with meteorologists trashing our great country’s rainfall levels. They’re definitely all lefty Remoaner bastards.

Look to your heroes for guidance

You know who doesn’t believe in climate change? Nigel Farage. Like me, he reckons the wet weather this summer is just a good old British blip, rather than anything to do with a disruption of weather patterns due to global warming. Anyway, the sun came out for three minutes last Monday, so Nige must be right that everything is fine.

Use your favourite meaningless soundbites

The wokerati metropolitan elite in their Islington ivory towers are the ones who want you to believe we’re having a shit season, when we’re not. And even if we were, our British bulldog Blitz spirit would see us through. Summer means summer, after all. We just need to take back control. It’s the will of the people.

Make it about immigrants

See those pictures on the news of illegal immigrants getting on board their taxpayer-funded Bibby Stockholm barge? Spot any umbrellas? Exactly. Why would all these foreigners keep coming here from hot countries in little boats if the weather was shit? They’re expecting balmy temperatures so they can enjoy cocktails on the deck of their luxury floating hotel, all paid for by hard-working British people like me. Well, I retired ten years ago on a hefty final salary pension, but you get my point.

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Man being oppressed by black families in supermarket adverts

11th August 2023

A MAN is living in fear of fictional black families in adverts who are abnormally happy about their supermarket purchases.

Stephen Malley says his life is being ruined by black actors pretending shopping at a supermarket is a life-affirming family experience, although the exact harm they are causing him is unclear.

Malley said: “This week I saw a black family in a Tesco advert, another in Waitrose, and one in Sainsbury’s. If you ask me there’s too many of them coming here and appearing in our supermarket ads.

“It’s practically illegal these days to be a white family played by actors whose mundane purchases of cheese, Toilet Duck and flavourless battery-farmed chicken somehow bring them closer together and help them make up after arguments.

“Indigenous white people enjoy buying cooking oil, multipacks of baked beans and frozen ready meals too. Actually they don’t. I hate doing the big shop. It’s a pain in the arse.”

Despite claiming he was “just saying what a lot of people are thinking”, Bishop was unable to give a specific example of how black advert families had a detrimental effect on his life, except that they “might buy all the Cornettos”.

A Sainsbury’s spokesperson said: “We at Sainsbury’s want to show our commitment to diversity and ending racial divisions, and we’re doing that by encouraging more people to buy Hellmann’s in a squeezy bottle.

“Modern society is a melting pot, speaking of which Pot Noodles are on offer right now, so why not pop some in your trolley for a quick and tasty no-fuss snack? It’s what Martin Luther King would have wanted.”

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