Tuesday, 11th May 2021

How to feel young again when you've accidentally enjoyed a trip to the garden centre

HAVE you returned from the garden centre with seven packets of seeds and a warm sense of contentment? Here’s how to nip those weird middle-aged feelings in the bud. 

Dye your hair an edgy colour
Grey, green, blue, purple, pink; the young people are doing it and they only go to garden centres when embarking on doomed attempts to grow weed. You’ll hate your new hair colour, it’ll make you extremely self-conscious and you’ll avoid mirrors: just like a teenager.

Take some dubious drugs
Ashamed of how natural it seemed to buy plant food? Snort something deeply unnatural that’s been sold as ‘plant food’. Nothing halts those cosy adult feelings like the sweaty, stressful anticipation of wondering whether what you just shoved up your nose off a dirty toilet cistern is going to kill you.

Learn about the Kardashians
Nobody under 25 can actually make sense of what the Kardasians are for, apart from being insanely rich and having big arses. By truly understanding this mystery, you will achieve everlasting youth.

Have an affair
If you went to the garden centre with your partner, you probably blame them for turning you into a stuffy middle-aged bore. Having an affair will turn that around, unless it’s an affair that begins when your soil-caked hands meet over a tray of seedlings. Which it will be.