Sunday, 8th December 2019

Sourdough bread just normal bread that's been told about mindfulness

POSH sourdough bread is the same as normal bread but the baker has told it about aspirational lifestyle shit like mindfulness, it has been revealed.

The baking process is similar to bread for common people, except with the secret ingredient of the baker whispering to it about wanky lifestyle choices at the proving stage.

Baker Nathan Muir said: “The essential ingredients in a loaf are yeast, flour, water, salt and information about shit like underwater yoga, holidays in Stockholm and French bulldogs.

“Without the final addition it is just normal bread. Sure, you could ponce it up with basil and olives, but I prefer telling it about eco-friendly weekend breaks.”

Consumer Tom Logan has been buying sourdough because it comes in a brown paper bag like an American school child’s lunch, which he thinks is cool for some reason.

He said: “I had to change from my usual brand after the baker lost his voice and couldn’t give his bread its unmistakable taste of pretension.

“I was sceptical about trying a new bakery, but thankfully there was a sticker on the bag saying ‘This bread has been told about ride-sharing’.”