Tuesday, 26th January 2021

DIY dads to f**k up Britain

THE UK’s DIY dads have got their toolboxes out of the garage and are going to spend the next four days attempting to fix the problems facing Britain.

Plucky dads are setting to work on tasks including closing the North-South divide, filling in the gender pay gap and extending Cornwall to add parking for 450,000 cars.

However critics - mainly their wives - believe they have yet again overestimated their DIY skills and will end up damaging Britain beyond repair, like when they tried to convert the loft.

Roy Hobbs of Stafford said: “I’ve got my big saw and I’ll be sorting out a proper Brexit.

“I’m sure there’s no underlying infrastructure I can accidentally cut through, causing catastrophic damage. Not like when I fractured that gas main doing the drive.”

Fellow dad Tom Booker said: “I’m going to give our crumbling institutions a fresh coat of paint, then I’ll crack on with making an invisible border for Northern Ireland.

“I’m totally up to the job. I’ve done floating shelves in our lounge, which are great if you don’t put anything too heavy on them.

“It should be all sorted by Monday. What was that noise? Shit, I’ve put my foot through the economy.”