DIY dads to f**k up Britain

THE UK’s DIY dads have got their toolboxes out of the garage and are going to spend the next four days attempting to fix the problems facing Britain.

Plucky dads are setting to work on tasks including closing the North-South divide, filling in the gender pay gap and extending Cornwall to add parking for 450,000 cars.

However critics – mainly their wives – believe they have yet again overestimated their DIY skills and will end up damaging Britain beyond repair, like when they tried to convert the loft.

Roy Hobbs of Stafford said: “I’ve got my big saw and I’ll be sorting out a proper Brexit.

“I’m sure there’s no underlying infrastructure I can accidentally cut through, causing catastrophic damage. Not like when I fractured that gas main doing the drive.”

Fellow dad Tom Booker said: “I’m going to give our crumbling institutions a fresh coat of paint, then I’ll crack on with making an invisible border for Northern Ireland.

“I’m totally up to the job. I’ve done floating shelves in our lounge, which are great if you don’t put anything too heavy on them.

“It should be all sorted by Monday. What was that noise? Shit, I’ve put my foot through the economy.”

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How to be the sort of twat with your own 'personal brand'

DO you want a ‘personal brand’ like the Kardashians or various twats on YouTube? Here’s how to engage in endless tedious self-promotion instead of doing something worthwhile.

View your entire life as ‘content’

Every moment of your life is potential ‘content’ for your blog or Twitter. Annoy your dentist by insisting on Snapchatting the whole appointment or take pouting selfies with your plumber.

‘Curate’ your social media so your life looks less shit

If you’re not in the Kardashian league your life probably consists of lonely Super Noodle dinners and trudging to the corner shop for bin liners. Project a totally different lifestyle on Instagram with endless pictures of cocktails and holidays. It’s not lying, it’s building your brand.

Hire a personal brand consultant

Every bit of advice will be ridiculous nonsense, but that’s what personal brands are about. And it’s yet more bullshit to put on Twitter!

Think every banal thing you say is worth hearing

People with personal brands share fucking everything. Has it just occurred to you that wasps are ‘weird’? Share it immediately. Ideally have a YouTube channel where you can ramble inanely about clothes, celebrity ‘news’ or just the fact that you’re making a YouTube video.

Try, and fail, to be ‘unique’

If you genuinely think personal branding is a good idea, you are already a carbon copy of several million other dickheads out there who are also wearing stupid sunglasses and walking a sausage dog.

Hang out with other personal branding idiots

They are your ‘tribe’, as a thousand articles you’ve read online probably say. They are also bellends. You will probably get on famously.