How to get up to nine minutes sleep a night in a heatwave

STRUGGLING to fall asleep in unbearable temperatures? Get a whole nine minutes of kip by following this practical advice.

Don’t use a duvet

Are you crazy? These big weighted bags filled with down or cotton are designed to trap your body heat, so angrily kick them onto the floor. That’ll help. If you have to cover your body, use something really light and thin like a sheet of one-atom-thick Graphene or, failing that, a big piece of paper.

Bring an ice cube tray to bed

During the colder months you think nothing of taking a hot water bottle to bed, so why not apply the same logic during a heatwave? Hugging an ice cube tray will bring your temperature right down and allow you to grab some much-needed slumber. You’ll just have to accept them melting and making you wake in a panic thinking you’ve pissed yourself.

Groan constantly

Not the sexy kind of groans your partner never seems to make during your clumsy fumbling, but the groans of suffering you hear from an intensive care ward. Letting out an endless chorus of moans will wear you out in a matter of hours, leaving you exhausted enough to drift off just as the sun starts streaming through your window.

Ask your partner how their day’s been

They’ll be wary at first because you never do this, but they’ll soon open up. All you have to do is nod and go ‘uh-huh’ every now and then to keep the momentum going, and before you know it you’ll be so bored you’re asleep. Enjoy it while you can because they’ll wake you up by kicking you in the shins before resuming their boring monologue.

Move to Iceland

The country, not the supermarket, although they do have big freezers which would probably be pleasant to sleep in if you didn’t suffocate. The UK, like most of the continent, is now uninhabitable in summer, so why not flee to the country with the coolest sounding name? As well escaping the heat you’ll be leaving a broken political system behind. It’s a win-win.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Outrage as BBC stars are paid

THE UK is once again outraged to learn that stars of hugely successful BBC shows are paid actual money for their jobs.

The figures, included in the BBC’s annual report, have shocked regular viewers of popular BBC shows who assumed the stars they loved were better than that.

Sue Traherne of Colchester said: “It’s Zoe Ball that hurts the most. She’s so warm and friendly and down-to-earth in the mornings, then I discover she’s getting a million quid for it? Duplicitous bitch.

“I’d accept it if she was getting minimum wage or even something more generous, like 50p an hour on top. But this? I’m sure the other channels who want big names that viewers love just get them for free.”

Plasterer Joe Turner agreed: “The news is just what’s happening. It’s all out there for free. So why am I paying Huw Edwards four hundred grand a year to read it out?

“If he was on ITV, fair enough, they have adverts. But the BBC’s public service and I’m the public. Pay him nothing, and at the end of the year if we’ve liked the news we’ll pass the hat round.

“Also, it’s a f**king liberty that I’m paying Gary Lineker’s salary when I don’t like his politics. Next year if he’s not to the right of Mussolini he should get nothing.”