How to be a climate change denier while sweating your bollocks off

FINDING temperatures in the mid-30s a bit much to deal with? Here climate change ‘skeptic’ Roy Hobbs explains why it’s completely fine and not at all worrying.

It’s perfect garden weather

What’s everyone moaning about? It’s lovely to stretch myself out on my crisp, yellowing front lawn to catch some rays. I did notice that next door’s car is stuck to the tarmac on their drive and all the flowers in my garden are shrivelled husks, but it’s a price worth paying for a decent summer.

The same happened in 1976

Look, there was a heatwave in 1976 when the temperature got up to 35C, so what’s the problem? They didn’t say it was climate change then, we just accepted the arid riverbeds and the 20 per cent ‘excess’ deaths and played Swingball, if we didn’t pass out. Why can’t people lighten up and have a nice time nowadays?

It saves going on holiday

Why spend £500 on a holiday abroad when you can take the week off work and spend it fighting people for a tiny patch of beach in the UK, before bathing in the sea that’s been pumped full of human shit? It’s ideal for me because I can get pissed and sunburnt without having to eat foreign food.

I enjoy feeling lightheaded and irritable

A little bit of heatstroke never did anyone any harm, apart from the people who die from it, and I actually like feeling dizzy and confused. It’s like being drunk but without having to shell out for a six-pack of Carling. I’m someone who loves to live on the wild side, so getting short of breath and feeling as if I’m going to pass out is enjoyable for me, honestly.

Only snowflakes can’t handle it

Ultimately, the only people who aren’t tough enough to hack a heatwave are namby-pamby liberal climate-obsessed tree huggers. Why don’t they all piss off to Scotland where it’s cooler and leave sweaty, boiling England to me and my fellow red-faced brethren?

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The grassroots Tory's list of non-bigoted reasons for not backing Sunak

ARE you a Tory party member who’s not keen on Rishi Sunak for a certain reason that’s unacceptable these days? Here’s why you’ll be voting for someone else.

He’s too good-looking 

As the newspapers never tire of telling us, Sunak is incredibly good-looking. However we need a PM who won’t distract his colleagues with his male beauty. The last thing you need during a discussion about weapons for Ukraine is Nadine Dorries fainting or Therese Coffey having a screaming orgasm.

Liz Truss is extremely talented 

Truss has ‘prime ministerial material’ written all over her. She can pretend to be a fighter pilot, she’s committed to Brexit after changing her mind, and if we need someone to lead the fight against cheese imports, Liz wouldn’t hesitate to deploy the SAS with a shoot-to-kill policy against French cheesemakers.

It’s a very strong field 

There’s Penny Mordaunt, who made that hilarious ‘cock’ speech, Jeremy Hunt with his clever strategy of being less rancid than the others, and Suella Braverman, allegedly a qualified barrister. To name but a few. If Sunak doesn’t get your vote, it’s the stiff competition, not because he reminds you of a Muslim coming over here with their smelly food and Sharia law.

He’s used to better things

Sunak and his wife are fantastically wealthy, with numerous luxury homes. Moving to 10 Downing Street would be like living in a cramped, filthy Sunderland council house with a vicious staffie shitting everywhere. To his refined tastes, the best meals from the No. 10 kitchens would taste like a Rustlers microwave chicken burger. Yes, becoming PM wouldn’t be fair on Rishi.

It’s good to back the underdog

Sunak is way ahead in terms of parliamentary party backers, but there’s nothing more British than backing the underdog. What if you want to vote for Kemi Badenoch, who will definitely lose? Not that you will because in your book she might be a pot-smoking Rastafarian.

He’s too clever

Rishi clearly knows a thing or two, having made millions on a stock market bet that contributed to taxpayers bailing out the banks in 2008. Britain prefers a gifted amateur. Or just an amateur. Look how Boris kept us laughing during Covid. Sunak just isn’t the sort of totally inept clown every nation needs in a time of crisis. 

You can’t wank over Rishi

The leadership contest still features some top totty for Tory men of a certain age. With sirens like Mordaunt, Dorries and Esther McVeigh (promised the deputy PM job by Hunt) at the top level of government, every trip to the garden shed with your Daily Mail will be a sexual adventure.