YOU naively imagine you mastered the basic functions of life as a child, but in the view of your live-in partner you’re wrong. These issues must be addressed:
Whether it’s too loud, too fast or in an illogical order, the method by which you put basic nutrients in your mouth just isn’t cutting it. Also you hold a fork like a baby and slurp your drink like a gelatinous creature from the depths of the ocean.
Did you look at your phone for a second during the show? Or do you not automatically put the subtitles on because you witlessly thought sound was audible? Well, then you’ve failed at the most basic of relaxing pastimes. Your partner’s enjoyment of Celebrity Gogglebox has been ruined forever by your viewing ineptitude.
Using the toilet
The side the toilet paper should hang is an issue that has divided households for centuries, and the way you’ve chosen is wrong. Also, you’re not placing the seat correctly and going at times they really don’t think should be necessary. Sort it out. Once you’ve apologised.
What you believe is like a cosy, comfortable sleeping position is viewed as an insult to the very art of sleeping by your partner. They shudder at your choice in pillows and treat the way you pull the duvet up to your chin as a war crime. You sleep their way or not at all.
You breathe all day every day. So why can’t you breathe in a pleasant, understated way, rather than sounding like a snorting, snuffling, wildebeest has entered the room? Your smallest exhalation might as well be an audition to be the big bad wolf. Could you think about maybe stopping altogether?