Tory leadership candidates wishing they hadn't spent their whole lives being pricks to everybody

CONSERVATIVE leadership candidates who need 20 backers are regretting f**king over everyone they have ever met, it has emerged. 

Utter arseholes including Liz Truss, Nadhim Zahawi and Jeremy Hunt are desperately scrabbling around to find 20 colleagues who they have not laughed in the faces of while crippling their careers for fun.

Kemi Badenoch, member for Saffron Walden, said: “Shit. Bollocks. Nobody told me it was going to be a f**king popularity contest.

“Like literally the first thing I did when I got into the cabinet was call every single backbench rival I’d beaten to unleash a tirade of abuse about how I was going to make their lives hell. Those people are not proving receptive.

“I thought being an absolute twat to everyone was how you got ahead in politics. They should be nominating me based on how many people hate me. I’d be topping 80 by now.”

Grant Shapps, member for Welwyn Hatfield, agreed: “I’ve been in and out of the cabinet since 2010. You have no idea of the number of MPs whose careers have been kicked square in the nuts by me.

“Incredibly, it seems there are consequences to being a copper-bottomed bastard to everyone for more than 30 years. Even in the Tory party.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Lionesses' 8-0 win would be front page news for whole year if men did it

ENGLAND’S record-breaking 8-0 win against Norway would be the headline of every newspaper for twelve months if it had been the men’s team.

Fans of the Lionesses are confused that last night’s delirious triumph has featured on precisely two front pages while if Gareth Southgate’s team had a comparable win it would be headline news until mid-2023.

Supporter Emma Bradford said: “Fair play to the Mirror and the i for giving our hammering of the Norwegians a small front-page mention, comparable to an actress wearing a dress. Thanks lads.

“But what the f**k are the rest of them playing at? The Guardian didn’t even cover it and they’re usually all over that shit.

“If Gareth Southgate’s boys had thrashed the dark horse favourites of the Euros then life on Mars wouldn’t bump them off the front page. There’d be rolling coverage like a Royal death. The goals montage would be playing on the inside of your eyelids.

“But the women’s team, who were forecast to win the whole bastard tournament even before this, are less newsworthy than Kylie being back on Neighbours. I can’t for the life of me figure out why that would be.”

Football fan Ryan Whittaker said: “This Lionesses’ win reminds me of when we destroyed Norway 1-0 in a 2014 friendly. Really impressive and I don’t think we talk about it enough.”