How to pretend you're greener than you are to your eco-conscious friends

ARE your tree-hugging, save-the-Siberian-marmoset friends on their way over? Here’s how to give the impression you’re basically Greta Thunberg.

Hide the car

Move it up the street, pop it on a neighbour’s front lawn, drive it into a river – do whatever you have to. Also park a bicycle or two outside, preferably those cargo ones with a box on the front for carting your kids around like posh wine. If you don’t have one, theft is acceptable — you can return it when your superior friends have left. It’s not like you’ll be using it.

Set the scene

All reusable water bottles and coffee cups should be rescued from the back of cupboards and placed on display by the sink, as if they’re lining up to go into battle. Now hide the clingfilm under the bed, empty your pulses into paper bags and don’t offer anyone a bleached teabag. Also, take out the main bin because 50 per cent of the stuff in there should have been recycled

Make sure it’s freezing

If you can afford to put the heating on a little bit, just to take the arctic edge off your living room, don’t. Offer your friends a blanket if they’re chilly, but don’t wear one yourself — pretend you’re used to the temperature. If your teeth start chattering, claim you’re having a seizure rather than admit you’re used to a toasty 23 degree house.

Move your tumble dryer into the back garden

Or at the very least throw a tablecloth over it and disguise the laundry room as an alternative dining area. Make sure all the towels in the house look suitable crusty and air-dried.

Police your photos 

Take down any pictures of holiday destinations you clearly have to fly to. Only shots of grey clouds, windswept hair and miserable children are permitted to prove you wouldn’t dream of holidaying outside the British Isles. 

Don’t flush

Make sure all the toilets in the house are unflushed. Since your friends may not even need to use one, it would be preferable to take a dump, at least in the downstairs loo, so the stench will let them know that you would never dream of wasting water in this way. If they do use the toilet and are horrified to be confronted by a large turd sitting there malevolently, they won’t quickly forget how much you love the planet.

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Couple trying for nepo baby

A COUPLE have decided to start trying for a baby with sickeningly unfair advantages in life. 

Grace and Joshua Hudson hope to conceive a nepotism child who will have a successful career in a field such as the media or politics where plebs without family connections may as well f**k off.

Grace Hudson said: “We want one of those cute ones who talks about having to work twice as hard to prove themselves when their life is a piece of piss.

“One like Brooklyn Beckham would be good. He really is a talentless shit playing at being a chef. But I’d be perfectly happy with a posh girl columnist called Isabella whose daddy just happens to be editor of the Sunday Times.

“We’re absolutely fine if they struggle with an addiction later in life due to the pressures of having wildly successful parents. They’ll get a book out of it.”

Joshua said: “I worked bloody hard to get where I am today, ie. on the shitty bottom rung of middle-management. I don’t want any son or daughter of mine to be stuck in a meritocracy. 

“I see them more as a preternaturally beautiful model or deeply average actor who works constantly due to having casting directors and producers for godparents. 

“We want to give our child the best possible start in life, which means it absolutely must not be genetically related to us. That’s the tricky bit.”