Humanity to stick with oil

HUMANS are to continue to base their civilisation on a highly toxic substance destroying the climate that is largely controlled by lunatics.

As the price of oil spiked due to one Middle Eastern nation firing missiles at another, the world vowed to stick with it even though it has clearly made their lives immeasurably worse in almost every conceivable way.

Bill McKay, a senior oil industry analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Volatility Iran demand equals two China spikes and a triple Opec.

“Unstable India-Brazil spiked by Kuwaiti-Brent refined as crude Russian instability Venezuelas an erratic Saudi.”

McKay’s analysis was backed by Professor Martin Bishop, the Nobel prize-winning economist who developed the theory that large companies could make a lot of money by charging whatever they felt like.

He said: “Oil is the basis of our society for three reasons: One, it is controlled largely by corrupt psychopaths in places like Saudi Arabia, Russia and Texas.

“Two, as it starts to run out it will become even more expensive leading to a series of exciting wars while we battle over the remaining supplies.

“And three, it pumps lots of wonderful carbon into the atmosphere and had killed more than 248 billion fish.”

Bishop’s analysis was backed by everyone afraid that without oil they would die of immobility and lack of plastic. Tom Logan of Peterborough said: “If there was even such a thing as solar power I would be against it.

“Those advocating it are wrong and controlled by the gay lobby who want us all to wear rainbow England shirts. I’ll die before I drive a car that likes bottoms.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Brilliant, it's a two-hour 31-song double break-up album,' say men with heads in hands

MEN around the world have been plunged into despair after discovering the length and contents of Taylor Swift’s latest album.

The revelation that the new album about a bitter breakup is twice as long as expected has caused men to react in a manner usually reserved for people who have just been made redundant or opened their latest energy bill.

A gently-sobbing Tom Logan said: “I was naive to think that Taylor would go easy on us. Two full-length albums though? Haven’t we, as a society, been through enough?

“I wouldn’t mind if there were some bangers in there like Bad Blood or Blank Space. But she’s traded in catchy hooks to focus on lyrics that are so bad even creative writing students would laugh them out of the room.”

Long-suffering boyfriend Josh Gardner said: “My missus has taken the day off to crank up songs with titles like I Can Do It With A Broken Heart and The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived. It’s not the f**king poets being tortured here.

“I don’t even get why she’s so bothered by relationships. If I was Taylor I wouldn’t care if I got dumped because I could get a replacement in about one second.

“Would it have killed her to pen an upbeat hit about being a widely adored billionaire? Or, just for the sake of balance, one called My Boyfriend’s Quite Cool in His Own Way. Is that too much to ask?”