Power to hand out sick notes to be given to specially appointed bastards

THE government is to take the issuing of sick notes from GPs and hand it to a panel of specially selected sadistic bastards.

The panel will include the 1980s PE teacher who made Gary finish the cross-country run with a broken leg, the boss of a Sports Direct warehouse, your ex-girlfriend who dismissed any illness as ‘man flu’ and 10,000 GPs’ receptionists.

Health secretary Victoria Atkins said: “We can’t trust GPs to assess whether you’re sick. They’re too easily swayed by medical concerns.

“Instead we’ll be appointing a special assessment panel made up of people who bark ‘Pull yourself together!’ and ‘Have you tried just getting on with it?’ when confronted with any ailment, because we can trust them to be impartial.

“We’re hiring taciturn dads to whom illness is shameful, drill sergeants, thin-lipped HR managers with fixed budgets, your mate Steve who tells you stop being mard and another pint will see you right, and that Brazilian woman who took a corpse for a bank loan.

“With them in place, we’re confident up to 99.8 per cent of malingerers will be certified fit to work and ineligible for any form of benefits. If you want to swing the lead all day, inherit.”

GP Dr Helen Archer said: “I’ll admit the sick note crowd do tend toward the whingey.”

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Seven crimes Angela Rayner could have committed in this ordinary kitchen: A Daily Mail investigation

THIS kitchen – similar to one owned by Angela Rayner – may look harmless, but could easily have been used for a host of serious crimes. Forensic kitchen investigator Martin Bishop gives his verdict.

Cocaine dealing 

The kitchen suggests Rayner’s Stockport council house was the nerve centre of an international drug empire. The kitchen drawers on the left would be constantly replenished with baking soda to cut the pure cocaine, while batches of crack would be cooked up on the high-tech electric cooker on the right. With the cash rolling in, yet her life strangely empty like in Scarface, Rayner would have inevitably got high on her own supply and killed the neighbour’s cat with a grenade launcher.

Grave robbing 

Demand for fresh cadavers is less than in Burke and Hare’s day, but there will always be someone who wants one for sexual hi-jinks or as an authentically spooky Halloween decoration. Assuming she did steal corpses, and there is no reason to think otherwise, Rayner would have used the mixer tap to wash dirt off her hands, and all that digging would have worked up an appetite – an appetite that could be sated with rounds of toast from the pink toaster on the side.


Using her criminal contacts in the former Eastern Bloc, Rayner would import mothballed AK-47s and 9mm Makarov pistols stolen from warehouses in Bulgaria and Romania. These would then be stored in the cupboards on the left next to some Pyrex dishes and an unused Spiralizer. When these weapons flooded the streets Stockport would have become a warzone as local gangs with fully automatic weapons battled for dominance. It was probably on the news, but maybe the same day as the Queen’s funeral so everyone missed it.

Pangolin trafficking 

The pangolins would be flown in from the Philippines or Vietnam, then kept in the cupboard under the sink before having their scales removed and ground up into medicines for wealthy Chinese clients based in Europe. The poor little pangolins would stumble around all confused and shivery, but Rayner would just laugh and kick them around like footballs until they died. We know this because she supports Stockport County FC.

Prostitution ring 

An inconspicuous suburban home would have been the perfect cover for prostitutes of both sexes to cater to the perversions of MPs Rayner met at Westminster. It’s not unreasonable to speculate that the hookers would have particularly dreaded visits from then-chancellor Rishi Sunak, due to his unusual sexual requests involving a 12” action figure of Grand Moff Tarkin.

Running a crypto scam

The unused space on the work surface would be a suitable location for a laptop computer. Using a professional-looking but entirely bogus website, Rayner would encourage people to invest in ‘AngeCoin’. When the currency was found to be worthless, she would already have fled the country, taking with her the life savings of small investors like your nan, who now has to work in a coal mine until she’s 105 just to have enough money to buy a can of Pedigree Chum for her dinner.

Disposing of bodies 

With multiple criminal enterprises underway, Rayner would quickly have made enemies in the local criminal underworld. Rivals would regularly be killed and their bodies dismembered using the set of kitchen knives that can clearly be seen on right-hand worktop. Neighbours would suspect criminal activity was taking place, but would not dare contact the police due to Rayner warning them that ‘snitches go in the black wheelie bin’.