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Husband under delusion that hot, sweaty weather means sex

A MAN is convinced that unpleasantly hot weather means his wife will be up for steamy lovemaking sessions.

Despite a normally pedestrian love life, Tom Booker feels the exhausting heatwave is sexy and he should start propositioning wife Joanna like a horny dog.

Booker explained: “Summer is, without doubt, the most erotic of the seasons – skimpy swimming costumes, bodies glistening with sweat, the obvious symbolism of an erect 99 Flake.

“Joanna is so going to be up for it. She’s already in the bedroom, the little minx, lying there completely motionless on the bed with the blinds drawn, the fan pointed at her face.

“She’s wearing nothing but that manky old M&S camisole and moaning from time to time. I just know that as soon as it hits 30 we’ll throw caution to the wind and shag in our south-facing garden.”

However spouse Joanna seemed more concerned with not moving and clutching a large bag of frozen peas than energetic lovemaking.

She said: “Until scientists invent a way to get it on without touching at all, summer sex is off the cards. If he tries to instigate anything more than a kiss on the wrist I’m filing for divorce. I’m not even joking.

“We can have sex again when my earlobes stop sweating. I didn’t even know they could do that.”

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Young people: If we ignore the evidence, can we still blame them?

YOUNG people are unable to get jobs, locked out of education and suffering poor mental health. But if we really try, can we find a way for it to be their fault?

Jobs

Apparently there’s a shortage of entry-level positions for 18 to 25-year-olds, and they’ve all applied to hundreds and not even heard back. Initially, that seems hard to pin on them. But what if we say they’re absurdly picky? That they’re only willing to work two days a week as Marginalised Identity Support Consultants? Not so innocent now, are they?

Education

University now means incurring crippling lifelong debt which puts today’s cowardly youth off. But disregarding that, if we scour higher education for the most ridiculous courses we can find, can we turn this around? To say ‘no wonder you can’t find work when you’ve got a third in Sustainable Surf Management’ surely gives us the moral high ground.

Health

An easy one. Claim the high levels of disability benefits the young are claiming for made-up nonsense like ‘climate anxiety’, ‘ADHD’, ‘autism’, ‘schizophrenia’ and ‘serious brain injury’ is actually because they’re malingerers who want to play video games all day. Garnish with a reference to soldiers in World War One, which you weren’t in, and serve.

Apprenticeships

Introduced under the Tories and have a suitably Dickensian name so you’re in favour. But not only do they not remove children from their parents to chain them to benches, they’re actually paid to learn a trade? Freeloading bastards. There wouldn’t be any shortage of apprenticeships if successful applicants were chattel until they paid off their debts.

Phones, social media, AI, any technology invented after the millennium

No need to be specific with this one. Unleash a general rant about bloody young people being chained to their phones, slaves to Instagram, unable to think without consulting ChatGPT, and never leaving their bedrooms. Do this from your iPad on Facebook while watching AI-generated YouTube videos of a happy whites-only 1950s London.

Neets

It’s always good to have a dehumanising name for a group you abhor, and Neets is a good one. ‘These bloody Neets,’ you say in Wetherspoons, within earshot of the 22-year-old working there to pay her way through a biochemistry degree, ‘they don’t know the meaning of a hard day’s work.’ You’re there at 3pm on a Wednesday. That’s irrelevant.

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