Iceberg four times bigger than London also four times nicer than London

AN ICEBERG that has broken away from Antarctica is four times the size of London and also four times more hospitable, experts have confirmed.

Scientists who examined satellite images of the iceberg found that it had no restaurants, bars, shops or services of any kind and still provided a much better quality of life than the UK capital.

Researcher Dr. Mary Fisher added, “After visiting London for a seminar our first reaction to the iceberg was ‘oh, well, it could be a lot worse’.

“Looks like you can get a pint on there for less than a fiver and the iceberg version of Camden isn’t full of twats.

“It’s probably full of penguins.”

“Who are naturally cool and don’t have to get piercings through the back of their necks and wear stupid baseball caps to prove it.”

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Dreadful American defiles Wimbledon with his ghastly skill

WIMBLEDON has been defiled, perhaps forever, by the vulgar skill and strength of some dreadful American who probably eats with his hands.

The man, named ‘Querrey’, disgraced our Centre Court by firing a tennis ball at unreasonable and vicious speed towards the National Hero.

Meanwhile, the National Hero remained on his feet even as the vile, ghastly American no doubt hit  him repeatedly in the face with a large spanner, as Americans often do.

It has also been revealed that the National Hero had one of his hips stolen by Russian gangsters earlier today and was forced to replace it with a garlic press and a grapefruit.

‘Querrey’ will now go onto the semi final of the Sacred Tournament where, God willing, he will be thrashed by a slightly less ghastly, unspeakable foreigner.