'Wardrobe essentials' now include little black dress, skinny jeans and a Guns ’N Roses T-shirt

ALL women should have a little black dress, pencil skirt, all-season blazer and a Guns ’N Roses T-shirt in their wardrobe, fashion magazines have decreed. 

The T-shirts have been declared an essential for every ladies’ wardrobe after three decades of popular wear for everything from walking the dog to Royal Ascot.

Fashion writer Francesca Ryan said: “Whether the classic crucifix-with-original-line-up-skulls design, the entwined flowers and pistols logo or one of the more outré styles, every woman should have one.

“Once a badge of the rock subculture, they’re now a fashion neutral that can be dressed up with jewellery, dressed down with jeans or worn oversized as a dress for an outdoor function.

“And best of all, there’s no need to worry about sniffy men challenging you to name three of their songs, because you know them all. Even if you don’t realise it, you know them all.”

19-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “The costume dramas of the 22nd century will outfit everyone of our era in a black tee bearing the motif of a skull in a top hat smoking a cigarette, and they’ll be right to.

“Unless they’re still wearing them, of course, which I wouldn’t rule out.”

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Electric cab drivers to spout prejudice about people who don't recycle responsibly

DRIVERS of London’s new electric black cabs will spout intolerant, reactionary views about people who damage the environment, they have promised.

In trials of the new vehicles, cabbies found themselves involuntarily ranting about global warming and rising sea levels instead of their traditional themes of crime and immigration.

Cabbie Roy Hobbs said: “I can get just as angry about recycling as I can about foreigners and sex offenders. Hanging’s too good for scum who put jam jars in landfill.

“Don’t get me started on people who ignore bee population decline. If they don’t want insect biodiversity and think we can somehow survive without pollination then we should deport the lot of them.

“I had that Claudia Winkleman in the back earlier. I gave her a piece of my mind about switching to energy-saving lightbulbs and installing a green roof.”

Fellow cabbie Norman Steele said: “This used to be a nice area until people with large carbon footprints started moving in. They should adapt to our culture and get solar panels and a ground source heat pump, or fuck off.

“I’m not prejudiced, but I’d hit the bloody roof if my daughter brought home a boyfriend who hadn’t spent six tagging marmosets in Ecuador.”