THERESA May’s attempted relaunch is the worst since the Opal Fruits-Starburst catastrophe of 1998, it has been confirmed.
After the prime minister made an ineffectual speech that was intended to ‘reboot’ her leadership, experts said that you can call it a Starburst all you want, but it is still an Opal Fruit.
Brand manager Emma Bradshaw said: “Theresa May needs to become an entirely different product, not just have an image change.
“You can rename Marathon as Snickers, but that doesn’t alter the fact that you’re still going to pull your fillings out chewing on a coagulated nightmare of peanuts and goo.
“It’s important to know when a product has failed and it’s time to just give up. Look at MySpace. Or French cars.
“The other move she attempted was to align herself with another brand in the hope of piggy-backing on their success, in this case Labour. But rather than an alignment that makes sense, she’s attempting something mental like Durex with Petit Filous.
“How is this still happening?”