I’m only glad I won’t live to see 2040, says tearful Clarkson

A WEEPING Jeremy Clarkson says he is only glad that he will not live to see the self-driving electric car dystopia that Britain will become. 

The former Top Gear presenter, who now presents Motormouth Madness! on WeBuyAnyCar.com TV or might as well, believes the banning of petrol and diesel cars will mean the abandonment of the UK by 2042.

He continued: “The petrol car has been central to British life since Morris Minors won the battle of Agincourt in 1415.

“Imagine our cities without the comforting blue haze of exhausts, Stonehenge without the reassuring drone of traffic from the a dual carriageway. You can’t. They’re everything.

“I have never feared death because I knew that my cars, the best part of me, would live on long after me. But now they too face oblivion.

“Within two years of this ban this sceptred isle will be empty of humanity, our children fled, the only movement processions of self-driving electric Ubers around our magnificent road network. RIP Britain.”

Clarkson added: “It’s all my fault. This would never have happened if I hadn’t punched that producer.”

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Boris Johnson sent as far away as possible for as long as possible

BORIS Johnson has been posted to New Zealand for as long as anyone can justify him being there.

Senior government figures decided it was urgently necessary for the Foreign Secretary to travel 12,000 miles away and to remain there until further notice.

Tory chairman Sir Patrick McLoughlin said: “Boris was mid-sentence at a morning briefing when it suddenly became absolutely essential that he was posted far, far away.

“The moon was considered but you still have to see that, so we reluctantly chose New Zealand on the basis of distance and the unlikelihood of his inadvertently starting a war there.”

Officials in New Zealand have confirmed that they are considering relocating trade talks to Bouvet Island, a tiny speck of land with no permanent human population, for the 40 years it will take to complete them.

Britain’s ambassador to New Zealand said: “It was lovely to see Boris, but early in his stay we realised his pithy, ignorant, borderline racist remarks with allusions to Catullus would be better received on a frozen outcrop thousands of miles from the nearest human being.

“We’re just working on the final details, such as ensuring that all satellite communications can be jammed.”