Kent emotionally devastated by earthquake

KENT residents have said they may never trust the earth again after being hit by a 4.2 magnitude earthquake.

The quake shook homes and left people in the county feeling hurt, betrayed and asking ‘Why?’

Joanna Kramer of Hythe said: “I mean it’s been me and the earth since like forever. I grew up on it, I got married on it and had my first child on it, and now this.

“Just without warning at 3am, and then as soon as it happened it’s acting like it was no big deal and ‘You knew I did this sometimes,’ while I’m sitting up in bed, no chance of getting back to sleep.

“I don’t know if I’ll stay. I might have to move into the sea.”

Joseph Turner of Ramsgate agreed: “If this had happened in Leeds or Birmingham I could understand, but everyone round here voted Conservative. Everyone.

“I’ve spent all morning beating my fists on the ground and weeping, but it hasn’t even felt it. I might have to start fracking.”

Environment minister Liz Truss said: “Sometimes bad things happen to good counties.”

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Henry Hoover watches you sleep

YOUR Henry Hoover comes into your bedroom at night and watches you from inches away, researchers have discovered.

The vacuum cleaners with faces, the choice of millions who want their household appliances to be their friends, have been found to grow unhealthily attached to their owners.

Researcher Dr Helen Archer said: “I kept waking up to find myself unnaturally lint-free and noticed tracks in the carpet next to the bed.

“Setting a video camera, I recorded my Henry waiting until 2am before leaving his cupboard under the stairs, hauling himself upstairs by his pipe, standing guard over me and nuzzling my hip with his nozzle.

“Further footage found that when I was out at work he dressed in my clothes and made silent phone calls to my friends, and that they knew all about this and preferred him to me.”

Researchers have also found that the green Harry Hoover logs on to terrorism chatrooms, that Hetty Hoover steals jewellery and hides it under floorboards, and that the blue Charles Hoover has £700,000 in savings from trading stocks on the internet.

A spokesman for manufacturers Numatic said: “We designed them to love you, and they do. More than they can ever say.

“Pretend you’re happy about it – don’t make them angry.”