Kids on nature walk couldn't give a shit about it

A GROUP of children on an enriching nature walk could not have given less of a shit about it, they have confirmed.

Parents Nikki Hollis and Nathan Muir dragged their offspring to a local forest to explore the majesty of nature, only to find them wholly unimpressed by the offerings of the natural world.

Hollis said: “I thought it would be wholesome like The Swiss Family Robinson but actually it was more like The Blair Witch Project, only without the relief of the ending.

“The high moment was when the little one got briefly excited about a bee, but it turned out it was only because it reminded him of Transformers.”

Muir attempted to get philosophical with his older children, telling them that “every tree tells a fascinating story”.

He said: “The oldest one just rolled his eyes, and the middle one said it’s ‘not as good as the story in Red Dead Redemption’ and they all laughed at me.”

Nature walks have now been banned and the children sent to their rooms with their consoles for the foreseeable future, which the whole family confirmed was a huge relief.

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Mum struggling to recreate high she used to get from dropping off children at school

A WOMAN is missing the kick she used to feel when leaving her children in someone else’s care for the day.

Carolyn Ryan has been chasing the high of school drop-off since lockdown began and is becoming increasingly desperate to feel the same buzz.

Ryan said: “The sweet and simple joy of waving your children goodbye before slamming the car door, cranking up Heart FM and not having to deal with their bullshit for the next six hours is unlike anything else on earth.

“I’ve tried to replicate the feeling by telling myself I could just leave them at the park, or walk out of the house and never go back, but it doesn’t give me the same narcotics-like hit.

“The closest I can come to that surging feeling of freedom and possibility now is when I get them all buckled into their car seats.

“There are five magical seconds between shutting their car doors and opening mine when I feel the endorphins kick in, then as soon as I sit down they open their mouths and instantly harsh my buzz.”