Leonardo DiCaprio has a yacht. Therefore we must f**k the environment. By Roy Hobbs

SO-CALLED ‘environmentalist’ Leonardo DiCaprio has a big yacht. Therefore we must make Earth uninhabitable. It’s the only rational response to a single act of hypocrisy by a celebrity.

His yacht must guzzle diesel, and I’m furious that film stars have opinions that aren’t totally consistent with their lifestyles by insanely puritanical standards. I manage to be totally consistent – I think we should wreck the environment and sod the consequences – so why can’t they?

Take Mark Ruffalo, always droning on about global warming. Does he travel by plane? He should stop doing that and end his career. He should give up cars too, never travelling further than the 20-30 miles an average man can walk in a day. If he wants to make his Incredible Hulk films he can do it in his back garden. 

All these hypocrites – Susan Sarandon, Ben Affleck, Olivia Wilde and the rest – can piss off. What does Susan think her scripts are made of? Dead trees, that’s what. So unless you can invent a way of reading and writing scripts that doesn’t involve paper, stop your infernal yapping, woman.

And what about phones? All film stars have got them but they never mention the horrific conditions in cobalt mines in the Congo, except when they do. Only realists like me understand our standard of living comes at a price. Although to be honest I’m not fussed about cobalt mines because I hate Africa and Africans too.

Yes, Hollywood liberals could learn a lot from ordinary folk like me. I’m fanatically in favour of destroying the environment solely because it’s become a badge of honour for right-wing twats. So what if it’s an issue that goes beyond party politics? If a Just Stop Oil hippy gets their head stamped on by a white van man it give me a warm glow inside.

Admittedly stopping actors having predictable pro-environment opinions would be a level of authoritarianism unheard of even in Nazi Germany or Saddam Hussein’s Iraq. But if that’s what it takes to stop liberals and their evil socialism, so be it. (I really must look up what socialism means. I say it at least five times a day.)

I’d like to see hateful Hollywood scum like Natalie Portman and Emma Watson put in ‘green camps’ and made to eat leaves until their ribs stick out and their organs fail. Ha. That would learn them. So stop listening to these pampered Hollywood idiots and, just for once, listen to a normal bloke like me.

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Nadine Dorries' guide to lazy girl jobs

HEARD about lazy girl jobs? They’re roles with low effort, low stress and lots of flexibility, which is right up my street. Here’s my guide to the top five.

Freelance writer

Writing is easy, especially if, like me, you’re happy churning out a f**kload of shit schmaltzy romance novels set in olden days Liverpool about poor people with big hearts. Poor people who would have definitely have voted Tory despite the miserable drudgery of their working-class lives. Especially if Boris had been around then. He’s such a stud. I mean, ‘politician with universal appeal’.

Social media manager

Before Saint Boris was driven from office by jealous bastards, I was his prized secretary for culture, media and sport, which means I know loads about the worldwide web (www). Yes, everyone took the piss when I made a baffling video about downstreaming movies and making the UK’s internets safer than the other internets, but people didn’t understand I am a visionary. Like Elon Musk. And he’s going to Mars any day now.

Digital content creator

Being able to make digital content is crucial in this day and age and it’s also a piece of piss. Remember that really cool rap I put on TikTok about online safety? It was lit, as the kids say, and didn’t make anyone cringe so hard their colon came out their nose, despite what they tell you.

Research assistant

Researching things is easy-peasy, so this is an excellent choice of lazy girl job. For example, I did some research when I decided to destroy Channel 4 for no reason other than because they were mean to peerless, perfect Boris. Admittedly I claimed they were in receipt of public money when they aren’t, but who cares? Nobody said the research has to be correct, right?

MP for Mid Bedfordshire

This is the ultimate lazy girl job, as I have proved by not speaking in the Commons since July 2022, and not voting on anything since last April. All while pocketing my £84,754 annual salary! And I’ve sort-of-but-not-really-resigned so they can’t even kick me out. Big result for the lazy girls!