Lobsters mental

EVERYONE should take a moment to consider how mental lobsters are, according to experts.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that lobsters look like they come from deep space, and what if they got massive or something.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Look at this lobster. Is it an animal, or a fish?

“They’ve got giant claws, full body armour and no proper face. There’s no way of telling what they’re thinking but it’s nothing very friendly.”

Professor Brubaker believes that rather than being involved in the evolutionary process, lobsters came to the planet through a dimension gate.

“They arrived on Earth about 90 years ago. That’s why you never see lobsters in medieval tapestries.

“Also they’re bright red, which seems wrong. You don’t get bright red cats.”

Lobster Roy Hobbs said: “I am pretty mental. Sometimes I just look at my pincers and go ‘what the fuck?’.”

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Ranieri rides unicorn into sunset

CLAUDIO Ranieri has bid a fond farewell to the city of Leicester before riding into the sunset mounted on a unicorn.

Ranieri, who masterminded Leicester’s impossible Premier League title win, shook hands with the team and thanked them for their efforts before summoning his unicorn with a whistle and announcing it was time for him to go.

He then climbed atop the mythical creature and set off in the direction of the M1, pausing briefly to wave at his former players before riding into the rainbow that suddenly appeared in front of him.

Team captain Wes Morgan said: “He told us that he was sorry to leave us but that his work here was done. All he’s left behind are beautiful memories and a trail of glitter.”

Leicester City will now search for a new manager, while the town attempts to organise an emergency airlift of alcohol after running dangerously low on WKD.