Man launches failed attempt to do something that is not the pub

A SUNSHINE-INSPIRED attempt to do a social activity not involving the pub immediately died on its arse, it has emerged.

Feeling motivated by good weather, 25-year-old Tom Logan suggested to friend Wayne Hayes that they should do something perhaps involving walking or cycling.

He said: “Maybe later we could go up to that wood that we’re always talking about. It’s supposed to be a nice evening, we could go for some sort of a walk or do a sport type thing.”

Hayes responded warily: “Yeah. Could do.”

There followed a short awkward pause, similar to if Logan had unexpectedly attempted to kiss Hayes, before Logan admitted that it was a shit idea and they should just go to the pub.

Hayes said: “It’s fine to suggest doing things that aren’t the pub, but it’s never going to actually happen.

“I mean I’d like to go to the moon, but it’s just not realistic. Because it hasn’t got a pub on it.”

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Britons set out for historic vote on Europe before realising they’ve got the wrong day

VOTERS are heading to polling stations to decide if the nation will stay in the EU, before discovering that one is next month. 

Across Britain, voters are ready to make a decision that will shape the country’s future for decades to come only to find that they have not paid enough attention.

Passionate pro-Brexit campaigner Norman Steele said: “What the fuck is a police and crime commissioner?

“I come down here in my Union Jack waistcoat to reclaim our country’s freedom from the iron grip of the EUSSR and they give me this shit?

“I’ve got no idea who to vote for. Whichever one is for more police and less crime. Oh, all of them. Great.”

Mary Fisher of Dudley said: “So it’s only local elections? Because it’s taken me ages to make up me mind, so I really need to vote pro-Europe now before I forget.

“If I just write ‘Yes to EU’ in the boxes, can they carry mine over to next month? I don’t want to have to do this twice.”

A spokesman for the Election Commission said: “Today’s elections for meaningless posts like the Welsh Assembly will hopefully winnow out those voters too stupid or confused to contribute to important decisions.

“Everyone else, we’ll see you on June 23rd.”