Non-Londoners don’t listen to podcasts because they are not constantly bored and lonely

PODCASTS are not listened to outside London because people there have friends, research has discovered. 

A research team looking into the inexplicable rise in popularity of some people talking in a room found it was inextricably linked with spending four hours on trains every day while hating everyone. 

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies, said: “At first we assumed the popularity of podcasts lay in their content. An idiot’s mistake. 

“After more than 11,200 hours logged listening to strangers discussing football and video games, we were still baffled. 

“It was only when a junior researcher howled ‘You’d have to be out of your mind with loneliness and boredom to enjoy these fucking things!’ that we realised: London. 

“Turns out when you’re doing 16 hours a week locked underground and live with people you hate, a podcast is the best friend you’ll ever have.” 

Brubaker added: “They’re also big with prisoners in solitary confinement.”

Londoner Nikki Hollis said: “I love podcasts. They remind me of my youth in Leeds, when I used to speak to people. 

“I do my own, about living and working in London, but it’s just an hour of me screaming.” 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Great news on the financial front this weekend, when you get your identity stolen by someone who spends far less on high-end electronic items than you spend in one night on the piss. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
A change of career looms when you set up a new version of Relate, but for superheroes to talk through their conflicts instead of destructively acting them out. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s a shame when all the Play-Doh colours get mixed together and just come out brown. When will you learn not to eat them? 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Britney Spears has a Las Vegas residency earning her $35 million a year, but you’ve been living in the men’s toilets at the Armenian Library rent-free for the last three weeks, so who’s the real winner? 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Every dog has his day, and it’s your dog’s day this Thursday. Get his his robe and crown. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Trouble on the health front on Friday, when you happen to glance at an opinion piece by Piers Morgan and instantly burn out your retinas, poison your heart and condemn your immortal soul to hell. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This horoscope has been removed following complaints that it contained spoilers.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As a really patronising, sexist bloke your favourite film has always been Love, Actually.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve had to do a bit of tinkering to balance your household budget recently but you’ve finally managed to perfect making your own gin from hand sanitiser stolen from your GP’s reception.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s been an emotional time for you recently, so when your favourite sex toy gives up the ghost on Saturday, try to stay strong.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Expect controversy this week when you describe your friend’s chunky new baby as ‘a proper fanny buster’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The mystic forces align on Monday to ensure that you wind up biting your tongue really hard while eating chips, because they have nothing better to do, apparently.