Top level hipsters meet to discuss gammon

LEADING hipsters have met in a craft ale pub to discuss whether gammon should be the next food trend.

Four influential leaders of today’s consumerist, irony-fuelled youth culture gathered in craft ale bar Hops23 to consider killing off the gourmet burger in favour of slabs of cured pork leg served with chips and Birdseye peas.

24-year-old alpha hipster Julian ‘Cookie’ Cook said: “Gammon’s time has come. Big, thick slices of gammon with pineapple on top, like they used to have in the 90s in these places called, weirdly, Beefeater.

“It’s the Commodore 64 of meats and the masses are going to shit bricks over it. I’m hashtag excited.”

However senior hipster Joanna Kramer said: “I’m worried that people don’t currently hate gammon enough for us to bring it back in an ironic bullshit way.

“What about fondue? Have we done fondue?”

Cook replied: “Yeah we did fondue.”

Following the meeting, it was confirmed that minimalist gammon restaurant Gam Gam will open in Peckham this weekend, with DJs playing pork-themed records.

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Leicester win exposing public to toxic levels of Kasabian

MILLIONS have been exposed to potentially deadly levels of Kasabian following Leicester City’s title win.

The band, who are fervent LCFC supporters, have over the last 48 hours reached millions of people unfamiliar with landfill indie by appearing on current affairs shows.

Dr Helen Archer, head of the newly formed Central England Kasabian Shock Unit, said: “It may seem laughable to hardened music fans, but Kasabian could be fatal in sufficiently large doses.

“Most audiences exposed to them had already built up a tolerance, if not complete immunity, to indie bands and even found their lumpen faux-experimental rock funny.

“But to a 63-year-old man who hasn’t heard indie since Britpop, sudden exposure to Serge’s bearskin guard haircut and his band’s plodding, unimaginative riffs can push the heart into arrhythmia.”

Retired train driver Roy Hobbs said: “I was at home when suddenly this… band came on ITV News Central. 

“They were playing the usual instruments but somehow it was so much worse than anything I’d ever heard before. When the singer rhymed ‘Stevie’ with ‘TV’ mercifully I blacked out.

“I woke up in hospital. They say if I ever hear music again, it will kill me.”