London skyline renamed 'the Gigantic Metal Cocks of Doom'

LONDON is to become dominated by enormous menacing robotic penises thrusting into the sky, planners have confirmed. 

Following the popularity of giant wangs the Gherkin and the Shard, the 1,000ft Tulip tower will be the first of a new crop of glass-and-steel dicks, monumental todgers and shiny cocks.

Architect Julian Cook said: “Who likes living in the shadow of a colossal metal cock? Everybody? Yeah, us too.

“The Tulip is basically a very long shaft with a bulge at the top, like a lovely big phallus. It’ll be even taller than The Shard, which resembles a colossal spam javelin belonging to a malfunctioning dystopian android.

“Those who do live, work or dine in them will be total and utter cocks, so the buildings are a natural part of the environment.

“And when our great capital is finally a pulsing metropolis of dongs, schlongs, womb-brooms and love-muscles it will be the envy of the world.”

He added: “Yes, my own penis is perfectly adequate, thank you.”

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Brexit now bigger mess than Stone Roses second album

BRITONS fear Brexit and its eventual delivery will be a disjointed mess that will make the Stone Roses’ Second Coming seem good

With the UK’s separation with the EU heavily compromised by internal disagreements and only happening as a result of contractual obligation, parallels with the Manchester band’s hugely disappointing second album have become impossible to avoid.

Brexit and Stone Roses fan Steve Malley said: “When you wait too long and build something up it’s inevitably a let-down, and doubly so when it’s actually shit.

“Yes, there will be a few bits everyone can get behind – Love Spreads and Tightrope for the Roses, no ‘ever closer union’ or Romanians for the Tories – but I fear it’ll have a similarly divisive effect.

“And, as with the album, once Brexit’s delivered its creators will tear each other apart culminating in an woeful performance at Reading Festival that sees the Tories split for good.”

He added: “Yeah you thought Second Coming was alright at the time. Don’t put it on now. You’ll be in for a very unpleasant shock.”