Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Man recognises individual blades of grass in local park

A MAN is so familiar with his local park that he can tell blades of grass apart from one another, he has confirmed. 

Having spent the best part of the last year trudging daily around the same village green, James Bates of Consall can now identify every blade of grass by their appearance and personality.

Bates said: “I live on my own and I’m been starved of company. So I was delighted to find that the park is cram-packed with real green characters shooting up out of the ground.

“There’s the lovely Hudson family all clumped together by the duck pond, and the friendly Wainwrights arranged in a neat little tuft by the memorial bench. Whenever I walk past I always give them a wave.

“Sometimes, in the evening, I come and have a few cans with them. It’s like my pub.

“I steer clear of the long, trampled grass by the trees though. Years of getting shat on by dogs has turned them into a really nasty mob. Move past swiftly. Don’t meet their eyes.”

Council worker Norman Steele said: “We’re meant to be strimming next week. This could break him.”