Man swimming with dolphins thought they would do more

A MAN swimming with dolphins thought they would do more, he has confirmed.

Tom Booker travelled to Florida to achieve his dream of spending time in the water with wild dolphins, only to be disappointed when they behaved exactly as expected.

Hayes said: “I’ve always wanted to swim with dolphins, but now I’m here it’s quite shit if I’m honest.

“All they’re doing is moving around in the water, and not even that fast. I’ve tried asking them to do some tricks, but they’re ignoring me.

“You’d have thought they’d have put some flaming hoops up or something. I’ve come all the way from Bracknell.

“I should have thought about how boring swimming is before I came.”

He added: “I thought dolphins would have these unique human-like personalities but the only real difference is that some of them are bigger than others.”

Dolphin Helen Archer said: “We’re not exactly thrilled about it either. He’s pissed in the water three times.”

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Heads down until Christmas, scum

THE UK has been told to get to work and shut the fuck up for the next four months until its next allotted happiness break at Christmas. 

Britons have, as the country slides into cold and darkness, been commanded to stop moaning and just do it and their only relief will be Strictly and a new Ed Sheeran album, which are hard work in themselves.

Boss Martin Bishop said: “Sit in those chairs, shut up and start generating revenue.

“Arrive early, leave late, and I’ll be here watching you both ends because this shit has rolled all the way down from the top.

“You’ve had enough of your family anyway. The weather’s going to be bollocks, and the news’ll be even worse. Do stuff on two monitors at once. I want to see action. Write me a report. I don’t give a bugger what on.

“Lunch at your desk. Coming in with a cold. Massive traffic jams. Emails at 10pm. Working weekends. God help you if you’re in retail.”

Employee Joseph Turner said: “Still, Christmas though.”