Man who saw speck of snow buys 23 pints of milk just in case

A MAN who saw what he believed to be a snowflake has started stockpiling food as if he lives in the Antarctic rather than Chelmsford.

Martin Bishop had just arrived home from work when he looked out the window and saw something falling from the sky. He immediately became hysterical and started shouting at his wife to check how many toilet rolls they had left.

Bishop said: “I have to get to the supermarket as soon as possible. It will be too dangerous to drive, so I’ll take the kids’ sledge so I can pull everything back across the drifts which are sure to pile up whilst I’m gone.

“I’ll buy milk, bread, bottled water and at least 20 tins of baked beans, but there’s no denying it’s going to be tough. If we end up eating the guinea pig it’ll be hard on the kids, but they’ll thank me soon enough.”

Bishop’s wife Nikki said: “I’m pretty sure what Martin saw was a feather, but at least he’ll be out for an hour or so.”

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Do you want everything to go back to the 1950s, or why the f**k not?

POSH accents on the television, policemen greeting you by name and a cheery tip of the helmet, lovely days out in the Morris Traveller.

But do you want Britain to return to its 1950s glory days, or are you some kind of modern bastard?

Where would you ideally get your butter? 

A) From the supermarket? Where else? A buttery?
B) From the butchers every Tuesday, you have to queue but a lovely big block lasts a whole seven days as long as you don’t mind it being rancid for the last three

What is the biggest issue facing the world today? 

A) Climate change
B) Men ceasing to wear hats, leaving them with nothing to doff to a lady

How do you feel about our brethren with darker skin? 

A) Wow. Even the question is racist
B) Our Commonwealth friends are tireless supporters of Britain, and love the Queen even more than we do!

What should you keep in mind when buying goods? 

A) Look, I was born in 1978. I don’t even remember the 50s and can’t return to them, because I was never there
B) Buy British-made

Should hangings be broadcast live on the BBC for the edification of the nation? 

A) The fuck?
B) Schools in particular should be compelled to watch, so youths cannot claim ignorance when they turn to crime


Mostly As: You are not in tune with the direction of Britain. It would be best if you left.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations. The only thing you will miss about the years 1960-2019 is Inspector Morse.