Man wishes he wasn’t too British to scream at the rain

A MAN furious at a summer of constant rain wants to treat it with the blazing anger it deserves, but is too British to do so. 

Nathan Muir, from Uttoxeter, has admitted being incandescent with rage at the downpours which have continued into August, but cannot say anything more heated than “Tch! Bloody summer.”

He added: “This is a fucking outrage. It’s an atrocity. But when I try to express my anger, I just end up saying ‘Ah well, it’s good for the flowers’.

“Other people feel the same fury I do, I see it in their eyes, but when they open their mouths all that comes out is ‘Apparently summer’s on a Wednesday next year.

“It’s ruined three camping trips, one tent, innumerable barbecues, countless weddings and I should imagine the Green Man music festival next weekend will be a muddy hell, but I’ll still probably say ‘There’s a patch of blue over there, could be worse.’”

Psychologist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Like soldiers on the frontline of war, if the British ever confronted the full horror that surrounds them they would lose their minds.

“Saying ‘Nice weather for ducks’ is the only way we stay sane.”

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Ask Holly: Dear Brooklyn, Don't worry, there are lots of children in my school with silly names too

Dear Holly,
I got a lovely new tattoo on my foot saying ‘made in England’ and instagrammed it because, in these turbulent times, I have absolutely nothing better to do. But now everyone on social media is laughing at me and I don’t know why. They’re saying it’s because I was named after the place where I was ‘conceived’ but I don’t know what that word means. Everyone is saying lots of stuff and now I’m really confused and my head is all hurty, can you help?

Dear Brooklyn,
Don’t worry, there are lots of children in my school with silly names too, most of which were coined by Netflix and HBO. For example, in the reception class there are several girls called Daenerys; two boys called Eleven, a boy called Soprano and one little fellow called Breaking Bad. These days, first thing in the morning, the teachers don’t bother with an old-fashioned register: they just read out the TV supplement from the Radio Times.
Hope that helps!