Massive rats just want to get on your face at night


BRITAIN’S 2ft super-rats have said they only want to scrabble about on your sleeping body.

Fucking enormous rat Stephen Malley said: “Despite our intimidating, some might say revolting, appearance, we are friendly creatures who want nothing more than to get on your face while you are asleep, because your head is so nice and warm.

“Maybe the first few inches of my tail might accidentally go up your nostril, or my large claws might leave indentations from clutching your temples, but it’s absolutely nothing to worry about.

“I will even lick up your excess saliva – for free! Probably you won’t even wake up to find my black eyes peering directly into yours.

“There’s a lot of rat scare-mongering but we love humanity for giving us tunnels and chicken bones, and building the city of Ratopolis or as you call it, London.”