Massive toad totally running riverbank

A MASSIVE toad has his area of riverbank totally under control.

Squat, confident amphibian Wayne Hayes said: “Whatever happens on this riverbank, it gets run past me first.

“That way there won’t be any misunderstandings. Because when there are misunderstandings, people can get hurt or even swallowed.

“It’s nothing personal, just nature.”

However Hayes denied involvement in the disappearance of a water vole that dug an unlicensed burrow near the big lily pad.

He said: “That vole just had to leave town for a few days. I think his aunt was ill or something. He’s fine.

“People were saying I looked more bloated than usual after he disappeared, but I’m bloated all the time.

“Because I’m a big ass toad.”


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Electric car owner excited to spend quality time in tow truck

THE owner of a new electric car is excited about being towed everywhere.

Speaking from the cab of a recovery vehicle, Julian Cook said: “Who knew that buying a battery-powered car in a country with barely any electric car charging infrastructure would lead to me getting stuck so often?

“At least I get to stand around charging points loudly talking to other electric car owners about how we’re saving the planet, and complaining about ICErs – that’s internal combustion engine drivers who always park at our special charging points like school bullies.

“Another bonus is just how many exciting tow-truck rescues I get to experience. For most people, that’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but I do it about three times a week.

He added: “The tow truck drivers even have their own nickname for me, it’s ‘Not This Bloody Idiot Again’.”