Meat-eating family of six want to tell you how to save the environment

A LARGE, omnivorous family living in a five-bedroom house with four acres of grounds would like to lecture you on protecting the environment. 

The Shaw family, who only eat organic food because they can afford to, have decided it would be selfish not to share their wisdom on how to preserve the earth for the next generation with the less-enlightened.

Eleanor Shaw, mother of a brood that collectively consumes 14 hectares of agricultural land a year, said: “It’s all about sustainability.

“You make little sacrifices. For example we’re only planning to go on three long haul holidays a year from now on. It all adds up.

“We’ve turned over a quarter of the garden to growing vegetables – chard, purple kale, butternut squash – and my next car will definitely be electric, once I’ve got the value out of the diesel.”

Husband Tim agreed: “It hurts me more than anyone that our lifestyle is so geared towards mass consumption, but we bought this house in 2011 when green issues weren’t really on anyone’s radar.

“What’s important is that we’ve realised now and that we’re evangelising for a more eco-conscious lives for others. The more we help them, the better we can feel about ourselves.”

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Are you a freedom-loving Brit or just a massive pisshead?

SOMETIMES it can be hard to tell if you have a deep ideological belief in personal freedom or just like going out getting pissed. Find out: 

Which human right do you value most?

A) Freedom of speech.
B) Freedom to sit in the pub all day so 30 per cent of my life is a blacked-out blur, I always feel like shit and never achieve anything.

What are your views on identity cards?

A) They are fundamentally un-British and I don’t need my papers checking by the Gestapo, thank you very much.
B) Anything that helps me get served in a pub is good. Microchip my neck like a dog if you want.

Which great thinkers have influenced your views on freedom?

A) I’d have to say John Stuart Mill and his classic work of political philosophy On Liberty.
B) Kenny in Spoons who says 10pm closing is the first step towards putting us all in teetotal concentration camps run by Black Lives Matter.

What form does your political activism take?

A) Mainly I retweet earnest things that I think my followers will respect me for retweeting. I like to think that makes a difference.
B) Last weekend I went on a protest march from the Red Lion to the kebab place, and I didn’t have a mask on. And I protested the health-and-safety Nazis by eating my kebab even after I dropped it on the pavement and kicked it trying to pick it up.

How far would you go to protect your freedom?

A) I would take up arms if necessary.
B) I would go to the off-licence after the pub closed and drink cans on the street.


Mostly As: You are a true believer in freedom, although you are a bit of a self-righteous knob and your main political text is Braveheart. 

Mostly Bs: You are on the ‘liver damage’ end of the political spectrum. Try getting into bullshit libertarianism instead of Glen’s vodka.