Month's weather to happen in an hour

THE weather for the whole of the next 30 days is to take place in a single hour this afternoon, forecasters have confirmed. 

According to meteorologists, all the weather Britain was scheduled to receive between now and March 21st will arrive between 2.18pm and 3.18pm today. 

The public has been advised to stay indoors, build flood defences, wear at least factor 50 sun cream, prepare to clear snow on their drives and be aware a hosepipe ban may be enforced. 

BBC weatherman Martin Bishop said: “An area of unprecedented high pressure and a mirror area of unprecedented low pressure, combined with a tachyon storm, means that all regions can expect the lot. All at once. 

“Lightning will strike from a glorious cloudless sky, it’ll be too foggy to see, and six inches of snow will fall and be washed down the streets in mini-icebergs by the torrential rain. 

“After that we’ll have had our allotted weather until late March. The sky will be blank white and the temperature neutral for a month, plunging Britain into a deep crisis because we will have nothing to talk about.” 

 

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Caring is a job? Piss off: Priti Patel's guide to the economically inactive

HELLO. I’m home secretary Priti Patel, and soon I’ll start deporting even the white ones. So are you economically inactive and useless? 

Retired
You’ve worked your entire life so it’s time to sit back, relax and sign up for hauling turnips out of the ground or a role in the hospitality industry. I hear old people whining about feeling isolated and unwanted, but I don’t see them working as baristas at Starbucks. 

Student
Many students have part-time jobs during term time and full-time jobs in the holidays. That’s not enough. You’re young. You need to be working at least one full-time and one part-time during term, and two full-times and a part-time in the summer. Don’t make us raise tuition fees again. 

Carer
Caring is a job? Piss off. If you’re doing it for free – perhaps for an elderly relative or sick child – then you’re hurting yourself and hurting Britain. Stop being so selfish and care for somebody else’s 95-year-old mother for a change. And make sure they pay for it.

Long-term sick
To put it politely, it’s time to either void or vacate the bathroom. A buccaneering, vibrant, low-tax, post-Brexit economy can’t afford passengers. A job at a roadside car wash might kill the seriously ill, but at least you wouldn’t die a burden. I know what I’d choose. 

Other
If you cannot be bothered to specify why you’re economically inactive, then I certainly can’t be bothered to consider your reasons valid. Report to the east coast of Britain. We need untrained people out there on trawlers catching fish and fighting off Spanish fishermen.