North Yorkshire to be burned for fuel

NORTH Yorkshire is to be set on fire so the rest of the UK can have a hot bath.

Permission to torch over 3,000 square miles of land was granted after an enquiry concluded that burning the county to a cinder would have little environmental impact.

A government spokesman said: “We’re going to have several massive cauldrons right in the middle of it, with locals carrying buckets of lovely warm water to whoever needs it.

“We have listened to a wide range of scientific opinion but it was full of big long words and not as easy to understand as money.

“Of course people will lose their homes, but the fire will also destroy schools, libraries and old people’s homes, sparing us the expense of closing them.

“Some locals describe this decision as undemocratic, but after the inferno there won’t be many of them left to vote so we are not too bothered about that.”

This landmark decision paves the way to setting fire to Lincolnshire in the autumn, a move energy consultants say will heat the rest of Britain until after Christmas.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Splash out on a massage, restaurant trip, bunch of flowers or massage with happy ending this week. You’ve earned it. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You impress at work this week when you introduce Sharky the hand puppet, who with cigar in jaws will be dealing with the latest round of restructuring and redundancies. 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Celebrity Cancerians include Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, and quite frankly if she could calm her turbulent love life it might make these horoscopes more accurate for the rest of you. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday, you find yourself standing an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here. > OPEN MAILBOX

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Much like in movie 127 Hours, this week you amputate your own right arm to save yourself from being trapped in a rock pub on quiz night. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You can’t help but think that, when the Gallagher brothers call each other four-letter epithets and say Oasis should never reform, it’s the only time they’re both talking sense. 

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Friday, the Angry Birds Movie brings back happy memories of watching the big-budget Snake II movie with your Nokia 3310 by your side in 2002. Ah, the twists and turns of that plot. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
My my, at Waterloo Napoleon did surrender. Oh yeah, and I have met my destiny in quite a similar way. Not that I’m trying to compare the decisive battle for the fate of 19th-century Europe with getting my fanny seen to, obviously.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
‘Race For Life’? Five kilometres? And you want sponsoring for that? Are you actually fucking kidding me? Tell you what, how about I sponsor you £10 for every load of washing you put in the fucking machine? What? Missing what point, exactly?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Smoking a pipe does give you a certain air of gravitas, but leave off during cunnilingus, there’s a good chap.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Learned men throughout the ages have wrestled with truth, beauty, morality and even the very nature of existence itself without finding an answer. But go on, we’re on our sixth pint, so tell me what your philosophy on life is. Eight pence says it has something to do with living each day like it’s your last.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Your 10th anniversary is a big occasion this year, so you’ve pulled out all the stops to have a sky-writing plane spell out “I’ve never been so unhappy in all my life” in smoke.