Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
Splash out on a massage, restaurant trip, bunch of flowers or massage with happy ending this week. Youve earned it.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You impress at work this week when you introduce Sharky the hand puppet, who with cigar in jaws will be dealing with the latest round of restructuring and redundancies.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Celebrity Cancerians include Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, and quite frankly if she could calm her turbulent love life it might make these horoscopes more accurate for the rest of you.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday, you find yourself standing an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here. > OPEN MAILBOX
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Much like in movie 127 Hours, this week you amputate your own right arm to save yourself from being trapped in a rock pub on quiz night.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You cant help but think that, when the Gallagher brothers call each other four-letter epithets and say Oasis should never reform, its the only time theyre both talking sense.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Friday, the Angry Birds Movie brings back happy memories of watching the big-budget Snake II movie with your Nokia 3310 by your side in 2002. Ah, the twists and turns of that plot.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
My my, at Waterloo Napoleon did surrender. Oh yeah, and I have met my destiny in quite a similar way. Not that I’m trying to compare the decisive battle for the fate of 19th-century Europe with getting my fanny seen to, obviously.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
‘Race For Life’? Five kilometres? And you want sponsoring for that? Are you actually fucking kidding me? Tell you what, how about I sponsor you £10 for every load of washing you put in the fucking machine? What? Missing what point, exactly?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Smoking a pipe does give you a certain air of gravitas, but leave off during cunnilingus, there’s a good chap.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Learned men throughout the ages have wrestled with truth, beauty, morality and even the very nature of existence itself without finding an answer. But go on, we’re on our sixth pint, so tell me what your philosophy on life is. Eight pence says it has something to do with living each day like it’s your last.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Your 10th anniversary is a big occasion this year, so you’ve pulled out all the stops to have a sky-writing plane spell out I’ve never been so unhappy in all my life in smoke.