THE ruptured oil pipe in the Gulf of Mexico has been capped just minutes before everyone realised it had all been their fault.
As the White House stepped up its attack on BP, experts stressed the real blame obviously lies with anyone who drives a motor car, uses medicine or wears tights.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Oil companies aren’t pumping this stuff just so they can have it sitting around in buckets under their stairs.
“They pump it because you want it. And what’s more, you don’t particularly want to pay for it, thereby ensuring it gets pumped in a dangerous and haphazard way – much like a Friday night skank on a playground swing.
“So whenever you feel tempted to have a go at BP, what you should do instead is either sell your car and any objects you own which contain plastic, or shut your stupid fucking face.”
Professor Brubaker explained that oil is used in some form by virtually every human being on the planet and that even George Monbiot is currently writing one of his absurdly childish articles on a laptop computer that could not possibly exist without it.
He added: “For instance, the stockings I’m wearing today are made of synthetic polymers, an essential ingredient of which is oil very similar to the kind that is currently choking guillemots just off the coast of Louisiana.
“I should point out however that my suspender belt is pure silk. And yes, it feels fantastic against my thighs.”