Only consolation of miserable weather is knowing it will f*ck up festivals

BRITONS are cheering themselves up during the rainy weather by remembering it will make the lives of festivalgoers a misery.

Despite grey clouds and non-stop drizzle in June, the thought of festivals like this weekend’s Download turning into depressing quagmires is bringing a smile to people’s faces.

Donna Sheridan, 42, said: “Don’t get me wrong, the weather’s vile, but when you think of all those tossers in silly hats expecting their own personal Woodstock you have to chuckle.

“Sex, drugs and music? It’ll be wellies, sulky teenage girls, soggy fags and 20-year-old male virgins huddling together for warmth in their desperately inadequate Millets’ tents.

“At Download some of them will have been saving up for months for an overpriced ticket to see Def Leppard and Slayer. Although that’s just funny in itself.”

Festivalgoer Tom Logan, 18, said: “I’m not letting the weather affect my enjoyment. I only came so I could get a wristband and say I’d been to a festival, and now I’ve got a great anecdote about Josh getting frostbite.”

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Man thinks speaking English with a French accent is speaking French

A BRITISH man believes that saying English words in a French accent means he is actually speaking French.

Roy Hobbs, who has holidayed in France numerous times, thinks he can speak the language proficiently based on a handful of nonsensical conversations that ended without disaster.

Hobbs said: “I’m pretty fluent but to be fair a lot of their words are basically the same as ours, like ‘sweemeeng pool’ or ‘I’d voudrais un twenty ceegarettes’. That means ‘I’d like to buy some fags’.

“I can tell the French appreciate talking to someone who loves their language because they always start speaking English back. That’s them showing their respect.

“Last year when we went to Barcelona I discovered I can speak Spanish too. I said ‘Two paellas, uno pinto of beer and uno white wino, senorita’, and the waiter understood immediately.”  

Hobbs’ remarkable aptitude for languages has prompted him to explore other European countries, this week deciding to book a mini-break in the German capital, Berlin.

Hobbs’ wife Margaret said: “Oh God.”