Monday, 6th July 2020

The middle class wankers' guide to renting a cottage

ARE you and your middle class chums planning to rent a cottage in rural Dorset or similar? Here’s how to be as annoying as possible.

Massively exaggerate what country life is like

After 10 minutes in the cottage, start saying things like “The pace of life is just totally different”. No. People in the countryside have jobs too and it only seems sleepy and relaxed BECAUSE YOU’RE ON F*CKING HOLIDAY.

Be incredibly patronising

You will have to get supplies from the local village, which is a great opportunity to say things like:

“What a lovely, quaint little rural post office! Of course in London we use email.”

“Do young people here go to university, or do they have to stay to look after the pigs?”

“Is incest a big problem?”

Loudly make sneering comparisons to films

In any country pub it is obligatory to quote the line “You made me miss!” from American Werewolf in London. Also reference The Wicker Man and the hillbilly nightmare fuel Deliverance. The locals won’t be insulted because they don’t have TVs and will have no idea what you’re talking about.

Find mundane things totally fascinating

Interrogate local people with unbearably tedious questions, eg. “We were just admiring your barn. Is it for crops or hay? Can the cows eat that all winter or do they need supplementary feed? Do all the cows have names?” and so on until they are begging you to stop.

Make it completely pointless renting a cottage in the country

Spend your entire rural break moaning about the broadband speed, driving to the nearest city to eat out, and complaining that a 19th century crofter’s cottage doesn’t have a garage for your Mercedes 4×4.