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Orange-hued Just Stop Oil activist totally successful

A DISRUPTIVE man wearing the bright orange of Just Stop Oil has succeeded in shutting down oil worldwide in a victory for the group. 

The individual infiltrated the White House and rather than throw soup over a portrait of George Washington or glue himself to the Resolute desk, acted to forcibly reduce the world’s dependency on oil by closing the Strait of Hormuz.

Fellow activist James Bates said: “It’s just as irritating as all our other tactics, but actually effective.

“Across the globe, multinationals and governments are accelerating their investment in renewables. Ordinary folk are pricing solar panels for their homes and saying their next car will be electric. With one irresponsible, attention-seeking action, he’s changed the world.

“Wearing our bright orange in plain sight, he’s taken our ethos of doing something irrational, headline-grabbing and enraging to ordinary people and wham. Oil’s stopped.

“It’s a real unexpected late bonus for us after ending our campaign last year, officially because we’d claimed victory but unofficially due to all our members switching to Free Palestine because it was more fashionable.

“And to all our critics saying we’re just trust-fund babies who know nothing about the real world, this guy is a billionaire! Who knows nothing about the real world. But nonetheless.”

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Five things every mum wants for Mother's Day: A guide for shit sons

ARE you a terrible, inconsiderate son who doesn’t know what to get his mum for Mother’s Day? Try these safe gifts.

A phone call

Doesn’t have to be long. A quick two-minute chat will make your mum happy, even though she carried you for nine months and spent 15 agonising hours pushing you out. Try to make the conversation about her for once though, and how much she means to you. Your usual calls where you beg her for money can wait.

Breakfast in bed

Don’t actually know anything about your mum? Don’t panic. While she would’ve definitely enjoyed a thoughtful present related to one of her interests you’re oblivious too, some burnt toast on a plate presented to her in bed is an adequate alternative. Push the boat out and include a cup of tea that isn’t made to her liking.

Some flowers

If you were an attentive son, you would’ve already pre-ordered a bunch of your mum’s favourite flowers to be delivered to her on the big day. Seeing as you’re not even sure if she likes flowers, you’ll have to make do with a handful of daffodils yanked out of her garden. They’re definitely a step up from a bouquet of forecourt flowers, due to not being completely shrivelled yet.

A nice meal

You’ve left it too late to book a table at Wetherspoons, so you’ll have to cross your fingers that there’s a space at a fancy restaurant. Failing that, anywhere your mum can sit in peace for five minutes and sip on an elderflower cordial will do. You have to accompany her to whatever you settle on as well, otherwise she’ll look tragic.

For you to move out

Your mum may say that she wants chocolates or a trip to the spa, but this is really what she’s holding out for. She already knows how she wants to redecorate the childhood bedroom you still live in, so get her the ultimate treat this Mother’s Day by moving all of your crap into a storage unit. If you need help, your dad will be all too happy to lend a hand.

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