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Lost Doctor Who episodes include that time he wanked off a Dalek

THE two lost Doctor Who episodes now recovered include a scene where the protagonist gives a Dalek hand relief, the BBC has confirmed.

Episodes one and three of The Daleks’ Master Plan will be on iPlayer in April, allowing fans to see the Doctor pull off his nemesis for the first time since its original broadcast in 1965.

Norman Steele, film archivist and Whovian, said: “Back then, a loophole in the BBC’s charter allowed manual relief to be shown in prime time for the education of the nation.

“Along with Tomorrow’s World and the notorious Pete and Dud mutual masturbation scene, Doctor Who was swift to take advantage. The Doctor flirts with a Dalek in the first episode but in the third, to get one of his stupid captured companions freed, it’s gloves off.

“He doesn’t just wank off the Dalek. He keeps up a stream of filthy talk about what a dirty little xenophobic master race it is, how he knows it’s just a nasty cyclopean gelatinous blob inside that armoured shell, and he bets it’s thinking about wiping out all other races.

“Finally it reaches climax and we hear that signature cry of ‘EJ-AC-U-LATE!’ before the Doctor wipes himself off and moves on. Only previously heard in an audio version. What a joy it will be to finally see.”

He added: “It’s the holy grail for Whovians. Well, apart from the lost scene where Tom Baker gives Richard Dawkins’s wife one from behind in a punt, in Shada.”

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Captain Tom's ghost flying a Spitfire, and other things British idiots absolutely would put on banknotes

BANKNOTES will soon feature British wildlife after the public were consulted on the idea. But is it wise to ask a nation full of idiots who’d be happy with shit like this on their money?

Dick pics

Men love sending dick pics and ladies love receiving them, so some veiny cocks are an obvious choice. It could do wonders for the nation’s collective love life, because every time women see a banknote they’ll feel incredibly turned on.

Captain Tom’s ghost flying a Spitfire

Unquestionably the greatest Briton of all time, and it’s illegal to disagree. Many people would feel that a mawkish photoshopped image of the translucent grey ghost of Captain Tom in his Spitfire was the most beautiful thing they’d ever seen. You’d have to get used to soppy twats breaking down in tears every time you queued at a cashpoint. 

Tommy Shelby

Tommy has a huge fanbase and symbolises British values like watching television and romanticising violent criminals. Does it lack gravitas to have a fairly recent fictional TV character on your currency? Not if you’re so thick you think he was a real person.

Twats painting a St George cross on a roundabout

Plenty of people would be happy to see these bellends commemorated on our currency, for the dubious achievement of stirring up racism and being a bit of a nuisance to the council. Still, we Brits love token gestures, and you don’t get much more token than slightly altering the colour of a mini-roundabout.

Peter Crouch doing an Ariel advert

Not-particularly-interesting footballer Peter Crouch is strangely popular with the public, as evidenced by him being paid to do so many TV adverts. As such he could be immortalised on banknotes, doing what we all most associate him with most: unfunnily gooning around with a detergent pod.

A Tesco ready meal

Morons love familiar things they recognise, like shit sitcoms and Boris Johnson, so this would be a popular choice. And are historical figures like Churchill really more important to Britain than ready meals? If the Nazis had won we’d still be putting a bland lasagne in the microwave.

Nigel Farage

In ‘great Briton’ terms, Nigel hasn’t achieved much, unless you count giving the economy a slow puncture. However that wouldn’t trouble Reform voters, who think he richly deserves to be on a banknote. Unfortunately the rest of us would be forced to see the frog-faced attention whore on a near-daily basis too. Question Time would approve.

A Greggs sausage roll 

This staggeringly mediocre food product has become more of a British icon than Jane Austen or Sir Isaac Newton, so it makes a weird sort of sense to put them on our currency. The only danger is that truly dense bastards may be unable to resist eating their own money.

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