Otters back to f**k shit up

OTTERS have returned to the UK’s riverbanks and it’s gonna be off the chain, it has emerged.

The semi-aquatic mammals have re-established themselves in every English county, following a short spell on the endangered list caused by too much partying.

Adult male otter Flinty DM said: “We back yo and shit is gonna be LIVE.

“Now’s the time to take back the r-bank, bring the real deal party feel, get crunk all night long.

“S’up to all the freaks, all the conservationists, the reed bed crew, the mustelid family. Holla!”

He added: “Minks and stoats been talking shit, saying we were extinct. Fuck those haters.”

Less than a decade ago, otters faced extinction after the species picked up a debilitating addiction to cough syrup which left them too drowsy to reproduce.

But the recent surge in otter numbers has been greeted with cautious enthusiasm by naturalists.

Dr Tom Logan said: “Our key challenge now is to stop the otters getting too fucked up to catch any fish and consequently nearly dying out again.

“Also their music tends to keep the other species awake. Especially the water voles, which have sensitive ears and a particular aversion to heavy bass frequencies.”

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Can I stay with you? Gaddafi asks Blair

COLONEL Gaddafi has asked Tony Blair if he can stay in his guest room for a while.

The Libyan dictator expects to be homeless or dead by lunchtime but would accept the offer of safe passage if the former UK prime minister can put him up until he gets something else sorted out.

As fierce fighting surrounds Gaddafi’s compound the leader was desperately trying to track down Blair on his mobile phone to check if the guest room had ensuite facilities and how they should arrange the whole laundry, food thing.

Amid the deafening sound of gunfire and mortar explosions, Gaddafi told Blair’s voicemail: “I’m thinking either we take it in turns to do a wash or I do the laundry and you do the cooking.”

Shouting until he was hoarse, Gaddafi added: “I’m not into this whole separate shelves in the fridge thing. I’ll just eat with  you guys and bung in twenty quid or something, yeah?

“Happy to stay in the London house obviously, but would be great if I could use the big place in the country as well.

“I HAVEN’T PLAYED TENNIS FOR AGES.”

But Blair’s spokesman said: “It’s always really awkward when someone gets the wrong end of the stick, isn’t it? Tony always said Colonel Gaddafi could use the guest room as long as he wasn’t under indictment for crimes against humanity.

“Plus, he’s going to be away for a few days so… you know.”

The spokesman added: “He’s not being a dick about this, but Colonel Gaddafi clearly thinks they are better friends than they actually are. Tony is genuinely sorry if he gave him the wrong impression.

“It would actually be a lot better for everyone if he could just stop phoning us and get shot in the face.”