Palpable relief from TV weather presenter that shit weather confined to North

A WEATHER presenter found it hard to contain her relief that bitterly low temperatures will be confined to strange, faraway places like Scotland and Yorkshire.

London-based Donna Sheridan was visibly relieved while explaining that the miserable weather – possibly including snow – would only affect places that were shit anyway. 

She also implied with a warm but slightly patronising smile that people without a cosmopolitan career requiring them to live in London had only themselves to blame.

At the end of the news, Sheridan said: “Bad weather will hit a handful of obscure outposts such as Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Northumbria, Lancashire and Yorkshire. But the vast majority of the country, London and Surrey, will thankfully escape unscathed. So don’t worry.”

Motioning vaguely across two-thirds of the British Isles, Sheridan said that anyone stranded there could expect a few difficult days before giving a highly detailed breakdown of the forecasts for Kensington North, South, East and West respectively.

She added: “For those of us shopping at Harvey Nicks this weekend, it’s a case of bringing a brolly to be on the safe side. I’m so sorry. I’m just so bloody sorry. Stay safe.”

Sheridan finished the broadcast with a heartfelt plea that it would not drizzle on the animals at London Zoo.

A number of Northerners and Scots are now understood to have phoned the BBC to complain, but their garbled, heavily-accented grunts were impossible to understand.

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Horrific things that will happen if you see a drag queen. By Norman Steele

DRAG queen events including a children’s storytime have been criticised recently. Quite right, says traditionalist Norman Steele. Here he warns of the life-changing dangers of seeing a man in a dress. 

You will instantly turn extremely gay

Within seconds of seeing a drag act you’ll have a craving for penises and men’s bottoms. If you don’t want to spend the rest of your life in gay bars and public toilets there’s only one cure – a complete brain transplant, and the NHS waiting list must be massive at the moment.

Your dress sense will change 

You’ll look a right twat watching lads and dads football in a dress, high heels and a feather boa, but that’s how you’ll dress now. From what I’ve seen, you’ll also swap the boxer shorts for g-strings and corsets, like the famous bisexual scientist Dr Frank N Furter. It’s diabolical what the gender benders will make you wear, and after I’d just spent £80 on a totally heterosexual North Face jacket as well.

You will start frequenting sleazy Soho bars

I’ve seen them in 1970s films. You’ll go in and have some watered-down champagne for £15 a glass with a tall woman called Lola who, when you get frisky, turns out to have meat and two veg. The worst thing is you’d only planned to pop out and get some compost from B&Q.

You’ll reject normal society

Adults and children alike will hate being in a normal semi-detached house and come to believe it is ‘fun to stay at the YMCA’. Sorry, non-gender-specific woke persons, but non-stop 24-hour buggery isn’t my idea of fun. You’ll also have no interest in a traditional career like lorry driver or accountant, instead becoming a rent boy, sailor or – God help us – another drag queen.

Your music tastes will change 

You’ll immediately hate proper men’s music like Dire Straits. You won’t be able to sit down and appreciate a good Chris Rea song any more – you’ll want to prance around the room to Hi-NRG dance music. The Cream of Clapton will be consigned to the wheelie bin, and you’ll be singing along with the perverts on the soundtrack to Cabaret.

You will become outrageously camp 

You’ll arrive at the pub and Geoff will ask if you want a pint, but you’ll go: ‘Ooooh, wouldn’t you like to know, duckie? Oh go on then, make it a STIFF ONE, ‘cos I can’t wait to get my lips round a STIFF ONE! And get some crisps or I’ll scratch your eyes out, you old tart!’ This is how you will talk now, all the time. You won’t be able to buy a pair of jeans in M&S without squealing: ‘Ooooh! I like a nice tight fit in the bottom!’ Your life will be a living hell. 

Your relationship with your wife will change

Obviously there’ll be tension from trying on her underwear and dresses. Your sex life will be over, and you’ll insist on her calling you by your drag queen name, eg. ‘Carmen Rimhole’. In short, your life will be in ruins. There’s a repeat of QI with Julian Clary on Dave channel tonight, so I’ve buried the TV in a hole in the garden and concreted it over. It’s just not worth the risk.