'Petrol cars are killing the planet,' says Gen Z girl expecting massive Shein delivery 

A TEENAGE girl has told her parents off for poisoning the environment with their car, while awaiting the delivery of a truckload of sweatshop clothes. 

Lauren Hewitt, 15, has condemned her parents for owning a planet-killing Citroën Berlingo, which she often asks them for lifts in to buy microplastic-shedding nylon tops from Primark.

Mum Helen Hewitt said: “Lauren says that if we don’t buy an electric car by the end of the month she’s never going to speak to us again.

“We’ve said we don’t have anywhere to charge one, but she won’t hear it. Surprisingly, though, she doesn’t have a bad word to say about the Amazon driver who turns up in a diesel van to deliver her false eyelashes.

“We suggested that we could stop driving her to school to reduce her carbon footprint but she didn’t seem to like that idea. We also mentioned that a £10 leather jacket that squeaks and smells of fish might not come from an ethical source and she threw a fit. But I’m sure she’ll start speaking to us again when she wants some money.”

Lauren’s latest purchases include a ‘Go Green’ slogan hoodie made in an illegal factory 5,000 miles away and a tie-dye t-shirt which cost £3 and pisses out chemicals into the water supply.

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Meditating father imagining he's in infinite B&Q

A 49-YEAR-OLD man closes his eyes and imagines he is in an endless B&Q whenever he is stressed.

If life becomes too much for father-of-three Joe Turner, he takes a deep breath in through his nose and transports himself to an imaginary hardware store with aisles that extend into eternity.

Turner said: “I tried going to yoga classes but was too stressed about accidentally farting to find it in any way relaxing. Then I discovered this meditation technique, pioneered by Nick Knowles.

“It’s based on a combination of controlled breathing, mental projection and intensive time spent in local B&Qs to help me better create an image of my soothing DIY safe place. What could be more calming than strolling through an endless aisle of skirting boards?

“Now if I’m stressing out about work or my kids are giving me grief I can just shut my eyes, enter my happy space and I’m instantly browsing infinite packets of every sized wingnut you could imagine. Bliss.”

Turner’s wife Charlotte said: “Admittedly he’s calmer, but at least when he used to bugger off to a real B&Q to destress he’d pick me up a Costa on the way home. Now I just get to look at his stupid zen face.”