Pigs insulted by vegetarian bacon

PIGS are disgusted with humans for pretending that vegetarian bacon made of rehydrated soya protein could compare to their delicious flesh. 

The scandal was triggered when a pig farm accidentally mixed slices of Quorn deli bacon in with the pigs’ swill, with pigs across the country now threatening a full strike.

250lb Yorkshire boar Tom Logan said: “How bloody dare you?

“I suppose I get it. I suppose whoever invented this smoky, cardboard parody of actual bacon imagined in their well-meaning way that they were somehow doing pigs a favour.

“Well, the liberals might not like it, but we pigs know how good bacon is. We take great pride in our own flavoursome, tasty succulence.

“We’re intelligent animals. We know the deal. A few years wallowing in the sty then we give up our lives to make the whole world a better, more delectable place. Better that than never to have wallowed at all.

“To offer these strips of tasteless crap as a subsitute is a slap in the face to the whole porcine community. We will only accept a total ban.”

Logan added: “Vegetarians can bite my ass. No, seriously. I demand you try this.”

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May makes generous offer to remain in reality for further two years

THE prime minister has offered to abide by the laws of reality for a further two years while details of the wonderful fantasyland awaiting Britain are negotiated. 

The move is a significant change to previous policy, which had Britain departing from the real world completely in 2019 for a fabulous imaginary realm of prosperity.

In a speech in Florence, May said: “The people of Britain have chosen to live in a magical land where golden apples grow on every tree and it rains champagne, and live in that land we shall.

“But not all of our sugar-spun castles are quite completed yet and the ability to soar in the air free as a bird is still in beta-testing, so we have told reality if we remain part of it until 2021 we will continue to play by its rules.

“In return I have asked the real world to be creative and meet Britons halfway in their desire to turn anything they touch into gold, which they must be granted because they voted for it last year.”

May reiterated that in the long-term Britain will still exit the physical world entirely to exist eternally in the faerie realms, while still taking anything it wants from reality whenever it wants it.

But voter Margaret Gerving said: “She promised no compromises. She’s a bloody traitor.”