Smokers reclaim rightful ownership of beer gardens

SMOKERS have reclaimed their rightful ownership of all outdoor territory surrounding pubs following a drop in temperature. 

The end of summer means beer gardens have finally banished seasonal interlopers who are only outside because ‘it’s a nice place to be’, leaving al fresco nicotine dens to the hard-bitten ashen-faced addicts they were created for.

Roy Hobbs, a permanent fixture in the garden of the Red Lion in Stoke-on-Trent, said: “Go on, piss off and take your Pimms with you.

“They come out here, invading our domain with their smiles and their cheery conversations and their healthy skin tone. By August you couldn’t move for people drinking gin and tonic and playing Despacito on their phones.

“They didn’t respect our culture of puffing away in near-silence huddled under the heat lamps. They brought kids out here. Kids. Acting like it was made for them, not like Dave only cleared all the barrels and his Rottweiler out of here post-smoking ban.”

Hobbs added: “They’ve buggered off now until at least May. Our kingdom is our own again. Desolate, sunless and empty.

“Ah, that’s a lovely fag.”

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Grandma turns pantry into pimped-out Nan Cave

A GRANDMOTHER has ‘pimped out’ her kitchen pantry to make it into a full-on Nan Cave all the other pensioners in the crescent are jealous of. 

88-year-old Mary Fisher decided to turn her pantry into a room focused on herself and her interests because she only has one life and does not want to end it holding no cheddar.

She said: “I’ve got YOLO up on the wall, done in cross-stitch, to remind everyone that’s how I live, next to a framed photograph of a Bourbon biscuit I found on Instagram.

“There’s a 65-inch flatscreen showing all the greats – Bargain Hunt, The Forsyte Saga, Take The High Road – and I’ve got a three-speed, four-action rocker there. Take it for a spin if you want.

“On that shelf there’s my golliwogs, which aren’t racist, and in this drawer there are 135 different pairs of reading glasses, right next to copies of the People’s Friend dating back to 1993.

“You church hall bitches can’t handle my swag. Fisher out.”

Husband Norman Fisher said: “Well, I’ve fitted six-by-nine inch Rockford Fosgate speakers to my lawnmower. You best believe the hood going to roar.”