Plastic bags to carry lewd images

PLASTIC bags are to be printed with lurid sexual imagery in a bid to discourage their use.

Tesco bags will carry an image of a dwarf having sex with a trumpet, while Sainsbury’s carriers will feature a manga-style orgy involving sexy animals.

A government spokesman said: “A detailed design showing a woodland creature getting wanked off will do much more to reduce plastic consumption than a paltry 5p charge.

“Shoppers will stop and think ‘do I really need this bag enough that I am prepared to walk through town carrying a picture of a squirrel with a massive erection?'”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “It’s a good idea in principle but yesterday I forgot my ‘bag for life’ at Morrison’s so the checkout girl gave me carriers showing male bikers stroking each other’s bits.

“Now my children want leather jackets for Christmas.”

The spokesman added: “We’ve made an exception with Waitrose bags. Waitrose shoppers will simply be offered Lidl bags, or nothing at all.”

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Most Britons ‘not prejudiced, just thick’

MOST Britons are good-natured morons rather than unpleasant bigots, it has been claimed.

New research has found that most prejudice is caused by an unquestioning belief in total nonsense rather than hatred.

Sociologist Emma Bradford said: “People’s reservations about issues like gay marriage were often due to weird misconceptions, such as thinking the 1989 TV show Sticky Moments with Julian Clary was a realistic depiction of gay life.

“Views on immigration were equally confused, with many people believing immigrants now make up the entire population, something that can easily be disproved by simply going outside and looking around.

“In fact, much opposition to immigration was based on things that no one in their right mind should be bothered about anyway, such as a Polish shop replacing the local branch of Spud-U-Like, which had closed down anyway.”

Bradford said she was optimistic about her findings, which suggested that many prejudices could be combatted by simple measures such as thinking about things before you decide to believe them.