Please, for the love of god, take these courgettes, plead vegetable gardeners

VEGETABLE gardeners are pleading with Britain to please, for the love of sweet Jesus Christ on a bike, take some of these courgettes. 

Jane Thomson, said: “You have to take them. Oh god, please. I’ll send your kids to private school. Just f*cking take them.

“If you don’t I’ll have to turn my kitchen into a factory-sized production line for whatever the f*ck you’re supposed to make out of courgettes. Courgette jam? I don’t even like courgettes.

“What the f*ck am I doing with my life?

“It’s ironic really because I bet in France, or somewhere, they’ve got too many peaches. And they might like our courgettes. We could swap them.

“If only there was an organised way of trading things easily with other countries in Europe. If anyone thinks of one, can they let me know?”

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Woman manages to get husband a present before he buys it himself on Amazon

A WOMAN has managed to buy her husband a present before he bought it himself on Amazon.

It is the first recorded event where a wife has realised a husband wanted something and managed to order it before he instantly just hit ‘Buy’ on Amazon like a greedy bastard.

Emma Bradford said: “I still don’t know quite how I managed it. Well, I do. I had to subtly attach electrodes to his brain so I recognised the thought before he consciously had it.

“Actually, it took a few million quid and an entire team of neurology experts. But it was worth it to hear the plop of a brown envelope on the front doormat containing his gift.”

When Bradford suggested to her husband that, since his birthday was coming up, he could have waited a week for what he wanted and made hints about it, he said: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean.”